Losing "more" than half of me

Losing "more" than half of me
This time it's really going to happen.. I am going to lose half of myself, or should I now say "more than half of myself?"

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

I need prayer!

So, I have been on hiatus.. as I'm sure you've noticed.  Today was the first time I've worked out in two weeks.  Not a good thing.  And I have been eating HORRIBLY!  I don't know exactly how I got here.. but I don't like it one bit.

The good news is I haven't gained any weight.  I am still at 288.  That's a total of 44 pounds lost.  So I am now looking to my next goal.. getting under 275 pounds.  That's 14 pounds away.  I'm hoping to get there by the end of July.  I need something to get me back on track.  Maybe this will help.

I do have a request from you.. please pray for me.  I need God's strength, power, and stamina to get back on this journey.  I don't know how I got lost, but I obviously have.  I have been using food again to fill some hole inside me.  I guess that's when I should be turning to God for my comfort.

Please also pray that I can figure out what's causing me to get off the weight loss path, so I won't get sidetracked again.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

I've reached the 40 pound mark

I'd hoped to get here a little sooner.. but I took a couple of weeks off the weight loss journey.  So, I'm doing pretty good.  Life got really busy, and I got a little stressed, so I gave in to my food cravings.  But not all the time, so I was able to maintain.  I was pretty pleased with that.

I hopped back on the wagon this week.. and I lost another 3 pounds.  So that brings my total weight loss to 40 pounds.  I'm very happy and have set a new mini-goal to get me motivated again.  I want to lose 10 pounds in June.  I'm down 3 pounds already, so just 7 to go.

I don't have a whole lot else to say today, so I'll leave it at that.  Please pray for me to get out of my slump, and get back in the swing of things.  I'll take new pictures again at the end of the month, and take new measurements.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

New picture

I had to change that picture of me at the top of the page.  I couldn't stand to look at the girl who was up there.  I know I may not look much different yet, physically, but I am a lot different mentally and emotionally.  Don't get me wrong, I have a LONG way to go on all 3 counts, but that girl who was up there was so sad and embarrassed to be there, sitting in that chair.. or even to be alive.  She just felt like a waste of space.  She always sat around with her hands on her belly, because what else could she do with them?  She pretended like everything was ok, that she wasn't dying inside, and she allows plastered that fake smile on her face, when really, she was hurting.  She didn't want to be around anyone.  She didn't want to waste space that someone else could be using.  Because of course, she was wasting space.  She couldn't do anything of any use to anyone.  Mostly, people had to help her.  That made her skin crawl!

I still need a lot of help, and there are still lots of things I can't do.  But I feel so much more accomplished because I'm working to get to the point where I am self-sufficient again.. where I can help other people, instead of them always helping me.  I'm starting to have a small twinge of love for myself.. a love that God so wants for me, because I am, after all, His child.  I know I shouldn't think so poorly about His other children, so why is it ok for me to harbor such awful, hateful feelings about myself?

I was telling the girls at work the other day about how I am prejudiced against fat people.  How I think they are disgusting, helpless, gross, lazy, pathetic.  But that's not exactly true.  I don't see other people who are overweight and think those thoughts.  I only think those things about me.  And see, there, I used the word "overweight" when referring to someone's weight problems, but for me I'm always the "fat" girl.  So, I'm taking that word out of my vocabulary.  I'm no longer the "fat" girl; I'm the girl struggling with excess weight.  I don't shop in the "fat" people store; I shop at the store for plus-sized people.

I guess I always thought using the word fat was me just being honest with myself, but it was me tearing myself down, over and over and over again.  I don't want to do that anymore, because that didn't help.  So maybe talking positively about myself will help.  We will see.

I still have that "beginning" picture of me.. just look to the right.  I don't need to forget about her, because I don't want to let myself go there again.

My verse for today comes from Psalms:
"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."
-Psalms 139:14

Saturday, May 8, 2010

I made it to my first goal!

Just wanted to give a quick update. I made it to my first goal! This morning I weighed in and the scale said 298! I can't tell you how good it feels, and how awkward it looks to NOT have a 3 in front of my weight. I believe the last time I was less than 300 pounds was before I moved to Columbia. That was in June of 2004 and I was well over 300 at that point. I know that I was 290 when I had Avery in July of 2000, and eventually lost back down to 250 after I had gallbladder surgery later that year, but I don't have a good recollection of the numbers after that.

I am now down a total of 34 pounds, and I look forward to never having a 3 at the beginning of my weight again.  Now Angie and I get to plan our overnight getaway.  It's going to be so much fun!  Where should we go?  I don't think it will really matter, as long as there are no kids, no husbands and just lots and lots of girl talk!  But the one thing there won't be a lot of: eating.  We'll have to find something fun and active to do.  I know: shopping!  At least window shopping.

And on that note.. some of my clothes are starting to look to big on me.  That's really exciting.. and scary at the same time.  I know it's a good thing to be losing weight, but it's also going to be expensive replacing those clothes.  Thankfully, my oldest sister, Lisa, is also shrinking in size, and she has graciously said I can have her clothes that are too big.  But those are a couple of sizes away.  So I'll have to buy some clothes in between.  But the more I think about it, I shouldn't worry.  God has provided a way for me to lose the weight; He will also provide a way for me to have clothes.  Doesn't He say in His word:

28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?'  (Matthew 6:28-31, NIV)

Wow, how powerful!  And how foolish I was thinking.  Thank you, God, for reminding me of this while writing today's entry.

Heart and Sole -- in under an hour!

A good friend reminded me yesterday that I haven't updated my blog in a while.. and let everyone know about the Heart and Sole.  It was last Saturday and was an awesome experience!  I met up with my friend Amanda before the walk for a good hearty breakfast at IHOP.  Of course, we ordered from the "Under 600 calories" section on the back.  YUMMY!

We made our way to the start line for the walk about 10 minutes before 8:00, and it was packed!  All those people up so early already.  Man.  I'm just not a morning person.  I was doing good to be up and moving.  Anyway.  I talked to all the WIS people I saw there, including my good friend Susan-Elizabeth Littlefield, and met a few new friends along the way.. including Alison.  She was so awesome pushing me throughout the morning.

Before we took off, there were some speeches, Hannah Horne did a beautiful job with the "National Anthem" and Judi Gatson lead us in a cheer.  And I can't forget my good friend Dawndy Mercer who got me to the Heart and Sole in the first place.  She was kind enough to hold my keys while I walked.  Also, I talked to Jack Kuenzie who asked what time I thought I'd finish.  To be honest with you, I hadn't really thought about it that much.  I did calculate up that I usually takes me about 22-24 minutes to walk a mile.  (And that's down from the 30 minutes it took me the first week to walk .9 miles.)  I was going to be doing the 3 mile walk and added it all up and thought it'd take me about 1:30 to finish.  That coupled with the fact that it took me about 1:45 to walk across the Lake Murray dam and back when I did that several weeks back.  That was something like 3.4 miles.  I knew that I was faster now, so that's why I settled on finishing in an hour and a half, although I think I told Jack 1:20.

We stepped off at 8:35.  I was walking with Amanda and Alison, and I decided I wanted to follow the pace walker who was going to do 17 minute miles.  I didn't know there'd be pacers, this being my first walk and all, so I thought trying to keep up with her would be a good goal.  Amanda and Alison were game, which I really appreciated because I'm sure both of them could've done much more.

I made it the first mile.  I hit that first mile marker right at the same time as the pacer.  Then, it's like she sped up or I slowed down.  Whichever it was, she was now ahead of me, and I knew that I wouldn't catch up.  But I could still see here, so that meant I couldn't be that far behind.  As that mile went on, my feet started to burn.  I realized later it was because we were going downhill and they were literally burning from the friction of staying upright.

I rounded mile 2 at 38 minutes and some odd seconds (I know that one day the seconds will matter to me, but not just yet).  That was just 4 minutes behind the 17 min/mile pacer.  I was pretty pleased with that.  Although I felt like I was really holding Amanda and Alison back.  I was REALLY tired at this point.  I had never gone this far this fast before (at least during my current weight loss journey), and now we were starting to go back uphill.  It wasn't anything much, but a steady incline for a LONG while.  We were heading up Gervais Street, from Gadsden Street to Assembly Street.  Ok, now that I look at it on a map, it doesn't look that long, but it sure felt like a LONG way.  And if you've ever walked up Gervais Street, you know about the relentless incline.  Anyway.  Before we'd gone a block, I wanted to slow down.. and I told Amanda and Alison, but they were wonderful.  They knew that I didn't really want to slow down, so I decided I could at least push until we got to Assembly Street once it leveled out.  Once we got there, I felt like I could keep pushing.  I got discouraged because I could no longer see the 17 min/mile pacer, but once we rounded a corner, I saw that she was right there.  I couldn't have been that far behind.  So that motivated me to pick up the pace.  I also decided to look at my clock and realized it was only about 10 minutes to being an hour from the start time.  That's when I decided I wanted to finish in under an hour.  I couldn't have been that far from the finish line, and there were over 10 minutes left.  So we picked up the pace and started passing people, instead people passing me.

Then we got to the point where I could see the finish line.  And it just so happened that there was a very steep hill to go down (the finish line was on Taylor Street in front of Finlay Park in Columbia).  I couldn't see the clock very well, but I could see that it was 50-something minutes.  I didn't know if it was 55 or 58, and then Amanda said it was 58.  Going down that hill was murder on my knees and my feet!  It was all I could do to not run.  Then I thought, "Why not run?!"  It would be easier on the knees and feet, and I may actually make it in under an hour.  So I just picked up the pace.  Wow!  It was easier.  And I was going so fast (at least it felt that way -- and I'm guessing it had something to do with gravity and my large size going down a hill).  Then I saw Dawndy on the side cheering in the runners/walkers, and she was shocked!  She was so excited for me and my time and the fact that I was running.  I was going to make it!  The clock was 59:30.  Then, right before the finish, the dang hill disappeared and we were on flat ground.  I WASN'T going to make it.  AHHH!  I'm sure it was only a few steps that I had to push myself to keep running while on flat ground, but man it felt like forever.  I was SO wanting that hill back.

But I did make it!  I didn't see the exact time, but I know I finished before the clock rolled over to 1:00:00.  I felt so exhilarated!  So accomplished!  So tired!  So sore!  So humbled!  So thankful!  I don't think I could've done it without Amanda and Alison by my side.  Poor Alison, I just met her that morning and most of the conversation during the walk was about me and my weight loss journey.  And she was so amazing and supportive, even though we'd just met.  What a neat lady!  And Amanda is great.  She works with me at WIS on the weekends and walks with me on Saturdays and Sundays, so she already knows how obsessed I am with losing weight and she chose to walk with me that morning.  I am so thankful to have her as a friend!

The one thing I didn't do was take pictures.  I know, I know.  What was I thinking?  Thankfully, there were photographers at the finish line, so I do have those pictures I can order.  Once I get them in, I'll post them here.  But they aren't pretty.  I look DREADFUL!  It's pretty gross.  But next year, when I walk 5 miles, I will cross that finish line looking so much better.  At least I won't be as heavy.  I can't say that I won't still look like I'm about to keel over.

Thursday, April 29, 2010


I'm making progress.. but we already knew that, didn't we?

I'm talking specifically about controlling my eating when it's just me and the kids at a restaurant.  We went to Fatz Cafe in Lexington last night, while Ricco played a soccer game.  I ordered a plain grilled chicken breast, plain sweet potato and grilled vegetable skewers.

I love Fatz, but it does seem to take a while for the food to come out.  Which I guess is why they bring out those delicious poppyseed rolls to your table so you can munch on them while waiting.  Well, hello, I can't have any.  Technically, I guess one wouldn't kill me, but who can eat just one.  They are basically bite-size rolls that I could easily just keep popping into my mouth.  And I don't even know how many calories is in one, and I don't like eating food that I don't know the calorie count on--or at least have an idea.

Well, guess what?  I didn't eat any of the rolls.  I let the kids eat them all.  Not the easiest thing in the world, especially because I had to pick them up and break them open so they'd cool down enough for Bella to be able to eat. 

So, I made it through the toughest part, right?  Wrong.  When our food came, mine looked delicious!  But so did everyone else's. 

Zoe ordered pasta with cheese sauce, and it comes with yummy garlic bread.  I wanted just to put that in my mouth pronto!  Thankfully, I did not. 

Avery's looked good -- she ordered grilled salmon and steamed veggies.  I was so proud of her!  It would have been ok to try her's, but it was that tempting, so it was easy to restrain. 

But then there was Bella's plate.. sitting right in front of me.  I got the kids Calabash chicken and fries for her because it was all easy finger foods.  That and I thought it was all she'd eat.  Anyway.. I was wrong.  She didn't eat that either.  And man, did those fries look good.  The chicken looked good, too, don't get me wrong.  But it was those fries calling my name.  And again, a bite or two wouldn't have killed me.  But my main problem is I can't just have one or two. 

Thankfully, I made it through the whole meal without eating anything that wasn't on my own plate.  Although, I did eat too much of the sweet potato.  I should've cut it in half as soon as it got to the table, just like I did with my chicken breast.  But all in all, I thought it was a successful evening.

I am now just 2 days away from walking in the Heart and Sole.  I'm very exciting, and nervous about doing it.  Watching the Biggest Loser this week really helped motivate me.  The contestants flew to Dallas to get people in that state to get moving.  They held a 5K and had all sorts of people who were out of shape just show up and do it.  That was pretty inspiring.  I am ready to walk that 3 miles on Saturday.. and I'm very thankful that I can do it.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Pictures and measurements

Here are some pictures taken of me today.  I've still got a long way to go, but I can see a difference in my face.  I just can't wait until I actually have a lap for my kids to sit in.

I also took some measurements today. Maybe I shouldn't share them on here.. but I'm going to anyway. This blog is for me, after all.

Weight: 307 lbs.
Chest: 46 in.
Waist: 55 in.
Hips: 62 in.
Thigh: 27 in.
Arm: 18 in.

It's embarrassing, but it's not like you can't see it by looking at me every day. I pray that seeing these numbers in black and white will motivate me.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

I'm such a loser..

..in a good way!  I lost another 3 pounds this week.  That puts me down a total of 25 pounds.  I'm now at 307.  Just 8 pounds until I hit my first goal: getting under 300.  I really can't believe I've come so far.

I get very emotional when I realize that I'm really doing this.  God is so amazing.  I struggled last week.. finding it much tougher to stay away from food and get up and exercise.  I found myself hoping my workout partner (who comes to do the 30 Day Shred video with me on Tuesdays and Thursdays) would cancel on me or forget to come to my house.  Thankfully she didn't.  And God gave me the strength to make it through.. and lose 3 additional pounds.

I am now looking to next weekend when I walk 3 miles in the Heart and Sole.  I have thought, what's the big deal?  It's just 3 miles.. who can't do 3 miles?  I couldn't.. just a year ago.  And I was ashamed that I couldn't.  I guess that's the big part of me not making a big deal of doing it now.  I hate that I had become so limited by my weight.. I was in complete denial.  I still am, somewhat.  Or at least I haven't yet had my eyes opened to all the things I was overlooking and explaining away.

Time to get back to work now.  Will update you again soon.. at least by next Saturday, when I hope to have lost at least 2 more pounds  I want to at least be able to report that I am getting stronger, physcially, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, everyday.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Embarrassed and Ashamed

I completely fell off the wagon tonight. 

I'd been on the verge.. letting a leg drag and get scratched up, but then pulled myself back up.  Last week I wasn't very diligent with my calorie tracking (because I let my lack of a laptop get in my way) and I didn't walk.  Then Sunday night when I decided to grab a bag of chips that were sitting out on the counter and eat a good many of them when I got off work.  I felt pretty guilty then.. although I was pretty sure I had stayed within my calories for today.

Tonight.. we went to San Jose for dinner.  That's not the problem.. we've been there a couple of other times since I started this journey.  But those times I was with Ricco from the time we walked in the door.. and I didn't eat any of the chips, and got just 1 soft taco.  Tonight was a different story.

The girls and I got to the restaurant several minutes before Ricco.  So it was just me and the 3 girls.. and all those chips with the mild salsa filled to the brim of a large bowl.  Mmmm.. it looked so tasty.. so refreshing.. and after handing a chip to Bella, I thought, I'll just have one.  But I knew better before I put it in my mouth and decided I would have a couple.  Ahh.. the sweet nectar that is the mild salsa at San Jose.  I'm sure it's full of sugar.. or something else naughty.  Anyway.  That combination with the chips was too much for me.  I was hooked.  Before I knew it, the basket of chips was empty.  Sure, Zoe and Avery were helping me eat them, but I'm sure I was shoveling them in my mouth as fast as I could before Ricco got there.

Before we ordered I felt awful.  Not just with guilt, but physically stuffed and miserable.  As I looked over the menu, I knew that I shouldn't eat anything else.  But it would taste so good.. and I was the only one who really knew how many chips I had eaten.  When I did order, I didn't just get a soft taco.. I got an entire meal--Pollo Fundito--grilled chicken with grilled onions and peppers, served with tortillas and rice and beans.  Man!  What was I thinking?!?!?!  I didn't need any of that, but of course once it came out, it smelled divine, and I began to chow down.

Well, each bite I took, I was feeling worse and worse.  My poor stomach!  It was filled past capacity and getting more and more.  What finally broke me was Bella.  She kept fussing and whining and throwing a fit, so I eventually stopped eating and picked her up and took her into the lobby.  She was my distraction, and helped me come to my realization.  At that point, I just wanted to crawl in a hole and hide.  I was so ashamed and embarrassed and disappointed with myself. 

I decided to leave and take Bella home.  Ricco stayed with Zoe and waited to get a doggie bag and pay the check.  Avery was finished eating, so she came home with Bella and me.  All the way home, I was thinking.. and finally thought to pray.  I begged God to forgive me for my gluttony, my selfishness -- most importantly for letting that food be the god I was serving at the moment.  When we pulled into the driveway, I was crying and apologized to Avery.  I told her I was sorry for eating those chips, for being a bad example for her and for letting her down.  She looked at me like I was crazy, but saw the desperation (and tears) in my eyes and told me she forgave me, but she didn't know what else to say.

When Ricco got home, I broke down again and apologized to him.  Again, he didn't know what to say.  He didn't even know or pay attention to the fact that I had gorged myself.  I felt bad that he felt bad, so I came upstairs and decided to write.

This has been the most difficult entry to write so far.  I knew that I would stumble, which is why I wanted to write this blog.  I wanted the accountability from all of the readers.. and I also wanted to be able to look back and see the peaks and valleys I went through to reach my goal.  But I feel so dumb writing this right now.  Mostly because I knew this would happen, yet I still let it happen and I felt so bad about it.  I can't exactly put into words all the feelings I've had tonight, but already I feel forgiven.  That's the most wonderful feeling of all.  And I am ready to leap back on that wagon.. dust myself off.. and keep on trucking.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

I'm still here.. going strong

Life has been so busy and I got out of the habit of blogging. And this week my laptop crashed, so I haven't been checking anything at all.. no email, Facebook or calories. Ugh!

I am now down to 310. I've lost a total of 22 pounds. I didn't lose any this past week, but I'm ok with that. I'm just thrilled I didn't gain anything. As I mentioned, I haven't been keeping track of my calories online this week. So I've just been doing it mentally. That's not usually very effective. Also, I haven't been walking at all this week. I still exercised on Tuesday and Thursday. And I'm planning to get in a workout today before work, and then walk on my dinner break.

I'm a little disappointed with myself. I let my life takeover again this week, instead me taking over my life. Or more accurately.. letting God take over and guide my steps. My morning devotion time is basically non-existent. So I just need to recharge and get back in the saddle again. I'm just thankful that I haven't given up yet.

I will admit, I have been weak in the food area this week. For the first time, I ate regular fast food.. not once, but twice. Tuesday I ate a chicken nuggets kid’s meal, and then Wednesday morning I got a bacon, egg and cheese biscuit. I would like to say that what I chose was better than what I used to choose (in the past I would've gotten an adult chicken nuggets combo and for breakfast it would've been 2 biscuits and a hash brown), but still, I should've chosen other options both times. Or I should've stepped up my workouts to compensate for the extra calories. Still, I am on the right path, and I didn't get fat overnight or learn my poor eating and exercise behaviors in a day, so I have to be gracious with myself. This is a journey. Journeys can be long and tiresome with struggles and obstacles along the way. The most important part is to take the journey and not stop and go back, but complete it.

I will do my best to update more often. I'm going to shoot for once a week at this point. Hopefully it can be more. I've thought about all sorts of things I wanted to write, but never got around to it. I have learned so much, and I continue to learn new things each day. I am so thankful that God is allowing me to do this.. lose weight, learn my body and strengthen it.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

A long walk

Today I met a new friend, Melissa, and we walked across the Lake Murray dam.  Melissa has been in my shoes before.  And she has lost well over 100 pounds.  I am so blessed to know her!  Anyway.  We walked across the dam, and back.  It was a total of 3.4 miles.  I made it and it wasn't so bad.  The worst part was the fact that I forgot to wear sunscreen and got a little too much sun.  That gave me a BIG headache, but I'll live.

I was surprised I could go that far!  I typically walk about a mile every day, and I usually have to push myself to do that.  The difference today was having someone to talk to.  It took my mind off what I was doing.  I just enjoyed our conversation.  I do remember once thinking, ok, I'm ready to be finished.  But we were almost finished anyway, so that worked out pretty well.

Walking over 3 miles today made me realize I'll be able to take part in the Women's Heart and Sole this year.  It's an event by Providence hospital to bring awareness to heart disease in women.  WIS sponsors it and we always have a group .. but I've never been able to do it.  You can walk or run a 5 mile course, or walk a 3 mile course.  I decided last week that I would do the 3 mile.. and today showed me I can do it.  If you want to join, just click on the link above.  The event is Saturday, May 1st.  Early registration is over this Friday, March 26th.

I'm going to take a shower, then ice my knees.  (Thanks for the reminder, Melissa!)  Good night.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Going through the motions

I am SO not feeling this weight loss thing right now.  I don't know what's going on, but I don't like it.  I'm tired.. not just sleepy.. but my body is thoroughly tired.  And I'm wanting to eat bigger portions of foods. 

Despite those 2 things, am I still pretty much on track.  I walked yesterday and got up to do my 30 Day Shred workout this morning.  And I haven't gone over my 2400 calories per day that The Daily Plate says I need in order to lose 2 pounds per week, but I have been going over the 1200 that I set for myself.

I guess I'm just in a lull.  I do battle depression from time to time, so maybe that's all it is.  But even at that, it's tough.  It's really tough.  And I don't like it.  I was so happy go lucky the last 2 weeks.  Now I'm just so blah and lazy.

I may also be getting sick.  It has been going around my house.  And Ricco thinks it may be the toxins I'm releasing from my body with the exercising, increased water consumption and healthier food I'm eating.

Who knows.. I just hope this feeling goes away soon.  Pray that I will have strength to overcome this.  And that until I do, I will continue doing what I need to do even though I don't feel like it.

Monday, March 22, 2010

I'm tired

I am really tired.  Don't exactly know why, other than a lack of sleep.  But I REALLY didn't want to do anything today.  I even took a nap, which is a rarity lately.  But, when I finally woke up around 6pm tonight, the whole family went on a walk.  That was nice, but I was definitely not feeling it.  I'm still tired and want to go to sleep.  So I am hitting the hay early.  I wanted to write, though, because I've been so scarce this past week.

Please pray for me to regain my energy.  I am feeling pretty blasé about everything.  I don't like writing about me being down, but I guess that's just part of who I am, so it goes on the blog, too.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Busy, busy, busy

Hello all!  Sorry I've been scarce lately.  I've been busy.  It's a lot of work taking care of a family and losing weight and working part time. :)

Thursday I had to take Zoe to the doctor.  Turned out she has bronchitis.  So all 3 girls were on an antibiotic at the same time.  Thankfully, Bella is now finished with her's, Avery's last day is tomorrow and Zoe will be finished on Monday.

Friday I went in to work an extra shift.  And today I was busy doing the 30 Day Shred video, working in the flower beds and planting some Irises and getting ready for work.  So I haven't had a lot of time to write on the blog.  Sorry about that.

The good news is that I haven't caved into my old habits just because things have been hectic.  I've gotten in all my exercise, and I'm still making good decisions with my food choices.

The disappointing news, I didn't lose any weight last week.  Today is weigh in day, but it came up at 320 again today.. just like last Saturday.  That was a BIG bummer, but I was warned that may happen by two different people.  One is a nutritionist and the other is a woman who's lost over 100 pounds herself.  I just happened to meet her at Fatz Cafe last week.  She lost over 100 pounds on diet and exercise alone, but says after losing 15 pounds the first week, it was another month before she lost anymore.

And I know you may be thinking.. "You ate at Fatz?  But what it healthy?"  Well, it was.  I didn't order off the menu.  That's a tip I picked up from the Biggest Loser.  I ordered a plain grilled chicken breast, plain sweet potato and grilled vegetables.  It was a yummy meal for under 500 calories.

The other big exciting news is the changing I'm seeing in Avery.  She's lost about 3 pounds from all the changes we've been making in our family, and I can see a BIG difference in her body.  Her tummy doesn't stick out so much, even her clothes are fitting differently.  But the best part is how she feels about herself.  She's really excited about the changes and has more confidence in herself.  That's more exciting to me that losing weight myself.

I need to go to sleep now.  That may be a reason I didn't see any weight loss this week.  I know sleep is a vital piece of a healthy lifestyle, and I miss out on so much because I can't always fall asleep at night.  I'll be back to update tomorrow, I hope. :)

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Pain, pain and more pain

I knew it would hurt losing all this fat.  I knew it wouldn't be pretty.  But I didn't know it'd hurt this much.  The 30 Day Shred is killing my side abs.  I've had sore abs before from working out, but this feels like I've had surgery.  It literally feels like those muscles have been cut.  I can't even laugh.  Wow.. was NOT expecting this.  And I get to do it again in the morning.  Yay!

Thankfully, my abs are the only muscles screaming so far.  But my left knee is giving me fits.  So I bought me a big bottle of ibuprofen.  You may want to buy stock in it because it looks like I'll be buying a lot. :)

Also, I came up with another reward.  At 275 pounds.. I'm going to have a spa day: a manicure, pedicure, massage and facial.  I don't know why I didn't think of that sooner.  And I realize that the 225 pound mark will also mark me losing more than 100 pounds, so it needs to be a pretty big deal.  I was thinking about going to the Harry Potter theme park in Orlando.  What better way to celebrate that milestone?  But that'll be pretty expensive, so I'm not sure.

Family vacations are one thing we haven't done much of, and that's partly because of my weight.  I haven't had any desire to go anywhere and do a family vacation because it would be too much work.  And I have always just wanted to rest.  But once I'm not carrying all this weight around, I shouldn't be so tired anymore.  The other factor in the lack of family vacations has been money, so I better start saving now just in case.

We'll see.  I'm sure my reward list will evolve and change as I go along.

Smooth sailing.. basically

I don't have a whole lot to update today.  Things are going pretty good.  God is really helping me out here, because I, in and of myself, don't have this determination or will-power.  I am very thankful for having it now.  Not to say that it's easy.  Avery and I went to the movies tonight, right after dance, so we didn't have time for dinner.  So I decided to let popcorn be our dinner.  Not the best choice, nutritionally, but calorie wise, I did ok.  I did go over my 1200, but managed to stay under 1800 for the day.  And boy, did I feel stuffed after eating all that popcorn.  It's amazing to me how quickly the body adapts to change.  I used to eat over 3000 calories a day, but now I feel bloated if I get close to 2000.  Pretty amazing, if you ask me.

I did the 30 pound shred video this morning.  This was my 2nd time doing it (I missed last Thursday because of that stomach virus).  And already it was easier to do today.  It still hurt just as much, but I had more endurance.  I'm guessing it's from the walking I've been doing.

And speaking of walking.. I also walked today for 20 minutes.  Would have been the full 30, but Avery's having an awful time with her allergies.  The past 2 days she's had trouble breathing while on our walks.  As pretty as it is outside, we may still be stuck inside exercising to save her from coughing so much. :(

It's late.. too late.  I haven't gotten a lot of sleep this week.  Sleep has always been a problem for me.  I get so keyed up that I can't sleep at night.  But then I'm dragging all day and fight to stay awake.  It's a vicious cycle that I'm hoping to conquer.  Pray for me please, that I will be able to shut my mind off at night, to be able to go to sleep and get good rest at night, so then I can get up at a decent time in the morning and be alert and fully functional for the girls all day.

Thanks again for your prayers and support.  I'm going to shut my eyes for a few.

Monday, March 15, 2010


Let me just tell you.. eating the proper vitamins and minerals really helps your nails grow.  It's like I'm pregnant again (which I'm definitely NOT).  My nails are growing like wildfire, and the only thing I can think is that I'm eating more nutrient dense foods.  Good idea.  I also think it's helping my hair look smoother and healthier.
Another change that isn't so pleasant, aches and pains from exercising.  All I'm really doing is walking so far, but I am hurting.  Both feet have blisters on the bottom, my knees hurt and my back feels like it's being pulled out of line.  I wasn't expecting all of that from just walking.  I guess that goes to show you how inactive I was before.  I'm doing 30 minutes each day right now.. and that's enough for me.

Back to the good changes.. I've lost 14 pounds, I think.  I weighed 332 on the scale at my doctor's office on Feb. 25th and when I weighed myself at home this past Saturday (March 13th) I weighed 318.  I know there are typically discrepancies in scales, so I'm not sure exactly how much I've lost, but I'm going with 14.  It helps motivate me.  I am really relieved to be on the way down!  I am also apprehensive.  I don't exactly know why, but it has a lot to do with failing and that not being a real number and me not losing anymore.  But I am going to stop thinking about those things.  And now that I've gotten them out of me, maybe those thoughts can go away.

I plan to weigh myself each Saturday.  Some may think that's too often, but I need to see results.  They help motivate me.  And the folks on the Biggest Loser get to see how much they lose each week, so why not me?  I've always REALLY wanted to go on that show, so I'm sure I'll be using a lot of what I've learned from the show to help me lose weight.  And don't worry, I know I won't get the same numbers each week as those folks, because I don't have 6 hours a day to work out.

My food choices have been pretty good.  I've been good at watching my calories and adding more veggies to the menu.  Today, I haven't even hit 1200 cal yet, so I may go grab a quick bite before bed.  I'm hungry and I learned when I was pregnant that when I have a small snack before bed, it helped my sugar levels stabilize during the night.

Time for bed.. it's an early workout in the morning.  Yay!  I look forward to the time that I really do look forward to exercise and working out.

Walking in Circles

We've all felt like we've walked in circles, but tonight I did, literally.  I went out to walk on my lunch break, and it started to rain.  So I went back to the station and walked around one of the studios.  Let me tell you, it was not a whole lot of fun.  Walking in circles does something to your feet.  After just a few laps, I started getting blisters on the bottom of my feet.  And my knees began to hurt.  I SO wanted to quit, but I had to find something to keep me going.  It was only 30 minutes after all.  How hard could it be?  Not too hard after I remembered the big prize--my tropical vacation.  I started to imagine it was a white sandy beach I was walking on.  I was small.. cute.. happy.. and tan.  I pictured myself in the clear blue water.. snorkeling.  I can't wait to see those exotic underwater animals.  All that imagery did the trick.  I was able to finish.

BTW: I got in my burger and fry fix today.  For lunch, we made turkey burgers, using extra lean ground turkey breast.  And we used thin buns.  They are what they sound like -- super thin buns, but still full of flavor and only 100 calories.  Compare that to 220 for some other whole wheat buns I checked out at the store today.  For the fries, I ate half a serving of generic crinkle cut fries.  It was just 9 fries, but I savored them and it was plenty.  We also had steamed green beans.  So, I was able to satisfy by greasy burger and fry craving for under 400 calories and 6 grams of fat.  Woo-hoo!

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Eye opening

Tracking the nutritional information of what I eat is very eye opening.  And it shows me areas I need to work on.  The Daily Plate not only tracks calories, but your fat, cholesterol, sodium, carbs, sugars, fiber and protein intake.  And it shows you how much from each category you should have each day to reach your weight goals.  Well, after eating just 2 eggs yesterday morning, I was over my daily cholesterol intake.  And by the end of the day yesterday, I had eaten twice as many sugars as I should have.  And I didn't even eat any sweets.. just the honey from my coffee, the craisins in my salad, a protein bar and fruit.  I now remember that dried fruit is crazy packed with sugars.

Also yesterday, I learned that too much of a good thing is still bad.  I bought several different snacks at Publix last night to keep at work.  I was fighting cravings, so I decided to indulge on some cheddar rice cakes.  NOT a good idea.  I should've have stuck with just one serving, maybe two.  Instead, I ate as much as I wanted, and I felt AWFUL afterwards!  I felt bloated, nauseated, just plain YUCKY!  I felt so ashamed and embarrassed.  I'm supposed to be learning to eat properly, not find things I can use to overeat with and not have too many calories.  In all, it was about 250 calories.  But I felt as if I had let everyone down by going back to my old eating and overindulging habits.  I didn't even want to write about it, but what would be the point of me writing this blog if I'm not going to be honest.

Time now to go on a walk.  First, a snack.. an orange and water.  For dinner, I think I'm going with a turkey burger.  I need to find one somewhere that is grilled and on a whole wheat bun.  And I want some steamed veggies on the side.  Wish me luck finding that.  Better yet, pray for me.  I am really craving greasy foods right now.  And I am not interested in veggies.  The thought of them make me sick.  But I need them for all the nutrients and vitamins they have.  Thanks for your continued support!

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Giving in to cravings

I've been fighting the urge to eat something nasty, greasy, salty.  I've wanted some thick fries, or a piece of pizza or a bacon cheeseburger.  Mmmm.  Don't all of those sound yummy?

Well, I didn't give in to my desires.  But I did eat more calories today than I like.  The grand total: over 1600..  Still, not horrible, but more than the 1200 I wanted.  Part of those calories came from my evening snack -- cheddar rice cakes.  Sure, one serving is just 70 calories, but I didn't eat just 1.  I basically ate 4.  I didn't keep count (that was the little treat to indulge myself tonight), but I'm guessing I had at least 4 times that much.  It really did satisfy me, and now I feel stuffed.  Plus, all that naughtiness only cost me roughly 250 calories.

On the topic of calorie counting, I wanted to share this great website I found.  Technically, another friend of mine found it and shared it with me.  Now I'm passing it on because it's pretty awesome!  It's called The Daily Plate.  It's part of livestrong.com-- Lance Armstrong's website.  I don't have a whole lot of time to explain it right now.. but check it out when you get a chance.  It helps you figure out how many calories a day you need to realize your weight loss goals, then it lets you track how many calories you've eaten each day and how many calories you've burned.  Also, there's a place to track your water intake.  I'm sure there are other neat features of the website, but that's all I've used it for so far.

Gotta go for now.  Time for the news!

Rewards and Motivation

They (weight loss experts) say it's good to set up small rewards for yourself along the way, to keep you motivated.  My big reward is a tropical vacation (not to mention my health, a longer life, more fun with my kids and husband, etc.).  I haven't been this excited about something in a long time.. that vacation seems to really motivate me.  Every time I want to eat something naughty, or sit on my behind and not exercise, I think, "Is it worth delaying my vacation?"

So I've come up with awards at 25 pound increments along the way.  I thought I'd share them with you.. and I need an idea or two from you, because I've found that I don't really know myself all that well.  Here goes.

1. When I get under 300 pounds, I get to go on an overnight getaway with my best friend Angie.  Don't know where we'll go yet, but that'll be part of the fun--planning the getaway.  So we don't even get to start planning until I am at most 299.

2. Under 250 pounds, I get to go on a weekend getaway with Ricco.  No kids, no animals, no internet, limited phone access.. just us, somewhere for 2 nights.  I'm thinking somewhere in the mountains.  Maybe the same place we went on our honeymoon.  It was a little place along the Blue Ridge Parkway called Doe Run Lodge.

3. Under 200 pounds, we're going to Carowinds.  I haven't been able to go on a roller coaster in years because I've been too big, and I LOVE roller coasters.  So this is one I'm really looking forward to.  I could probably go at 225, but I don't want to chance being told that I don't fit, so I'm waiting until 200.

4. At 175, my goal weight, I'm going on a tropical vacation.  I've already talked about this one, so I won't bore you with the details again.

So, as you can see, I don't have any rewards planned for 275 or 225.  I don't want a shopping spree to be one of the rewards; because that's just something I'm going to have to do anyway. 

I was thinking about 225 to be go skating.  I loved to skate back in the day.  I wasn't that great, but I enjoyed it.  Now, it's too dangerous for me, though.  I could easily break a bone if I fell because of my weight.  I think 225 could be a good goal for that, but I may still be too heavy.

But first, I need to come up with something for 275.  That's the milestone coming before 225.  I haven't been that small in nearly 10 years.  I was 250 when I got pregnant with Avery.  I gained 42 pounds with her.  I lost 20 the day I had her, and then lost even more when I had my gallbladder taken out a few months later.  I definitely got down to my pre-pregnancy weight after that.  I don't know when I went back up, but I'm sure it wasn't too much longer.  It's all a blur -- I was too busy working and taking care of Avery, and not myself.  Then I was working overnights, sleeping crazy hours and planning a wedding.  I don't even know how much I weighed when I got married.  Isn't that silly?

So, send me your suggestions.  Things you know that I used to like to do, but haven't been able to because of my weight, or because of my lack of motivation and self-esteem.  I'm hoping I'll get to the 275 pound milestone by Christmas this year, so we've got some time.

BTW: writing this blog has helped me see what words and phrases I use way too often.  One of them is the word "so".  I'll try to stop using it so freely. :)

Friday, March 12, 2010

Going to bed early

So, I never got motivated today.  I didn't do any housework, no exercise and I even took a 45 minute nap.  We went out to dinner tonight, Ruby Tuesday.  But before we went, I checked out their website to look at their menu so I could pick out the best option before going.  I chose the petite sirloin off the restaurant's smart choices menu.  I got the white cheddar mashed potatoes and broccoli as my sides.  The mashed potatoes had few calories, but more fat, than the baked potato.  I decided to go for it because of my low calorie/fat intake yesterday.  And I didn't even eat all the broccoli.  I tried a few bites, but I just couldn't stomach it.  And I love Ruby Tuesday broccoli!  Oh well.  The entire meal would have been less than 500 calories, so that puts me in for less than 1200 for the day.

I had the chance to exercise my willpower while at Ruby Tuesday.  We got Bella the chicken fingers and fries for her meal.  And of course she didn't eat all of it, and of course she was sitting right beside me so her plate was directly in front of me.  But it really wasn't that bad.  As Ricco said, once you truly set your mind to something, then it's easy to follow.

Anyway.  I'm still super tired.  I'm going to sleep early tonight.  Gotta get plenty of rest so I can get back to my exercise plan in the morning.  Have a great weekend!

A bump in the road

So, if you follow me, you'll notice I didn't post anything yesterday.  That's because I was violently ill with a stomach virus.  I won't go into the gory details, but I was out of commission all day.  Ricco even had to stay home to take care of the girls.  The good news, I lost 7 pounds from it!  I got on the Wii Fit again last night to check my weight loss and it was down 7 pounds from the night before.  Score!  Ricco said, "That was an easy 7 pounds."  And I said, "Heck no!"  He asked, "Would you have rather sweated that 7 pounds off?"  And I came back quickly with a loud, "YES!"

I'm feeling much better today, although still a little weak.  But poor little Avery is sick.  Not with her stomach, but with cold symptoms.  So we went back to the doctor for the 2nd time this week.  Turns out she has allergies (which we'd suspected in the past) and now has an ear infection.  We got her an antibiotic and some Zyrtec-D.  Now she's passed out on the couch.

Anyway.  I go into all this to ask for prayer.  We've all been sick, in some way or another, this week (expect Ricco) and I'm feeling pretty depleted today.  I need some motivation.  I certainly don't feel like working out or walking or anything like that today.  But I didn't do anything yesterday, so I need to get up and moving.  I'm really in the mood to eat something nasty (mainly because it would be fast and easy).  And I also have no desire for any vegetables right now. Gross! The thought of them sickens me.

So far today, I've eaten ok.  I had 2 pieces of toast and half a banana for breakfast, then grits with cheese for lunch.  I haven't had nearly enough water yet.  But the day is young, sort of.

I'll check back in soon to let you know how I fare the rest of the day.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Late night workout

I just finished my exercise for today.  Yes, I know it's nearly 10 o'clock at night, but this is the first chance I've had to get anything done.  I'm just so thankful that I didn't just say, "Oh well; I'll get to it tomorrow."  I really do feel pretty good right now. 

I ended up checking out the Wii Fit again, mainly because I wanted to see if it would let me on.  The game has a 325 pound weight limit, and if you are over that it won't let you play.  Seeing as it wouldn't let me on a month ago, and I was 332 at the doctor's office 2 weeks ago, I didn't think I'd be allowed on.  But I couldn't resist trying.  And I'm so glad that I did.  I came in just on target.  325.  So I've already lost some lbs.  Nice!  And it was pretty fun too.  I did the step aerobics.  I unlocked the 2nd level, so I was able to do more stuff than last time I was on, and did 5 min intervals.  That worked out good for me!  I will be doing that more often.  Partly because I didn't get perfect on each step up and step down, and we all know what a perfectionist I am. :)

I'm sure I'll sleep pretty well now.  And speaking of sleep, I need to go pretty soon because I've got to be up at 6am to do my 30 day shred workout.  Boy, I am sore today from doing it yesterday, my abs especially.  And I didn't even feel like I did that much with the abs yesterday.

I got in all my water again today.  That's been pretty easy for me to get back into.  I was drinking tons of water this time last year because I was nursing Bella.  And I was so unhappy with myself for letting my water intake slip just because I wasn't nursing anymore.  But now I'm drinking more and more.  I'm up to 3 qt (96 oz) today.

My food was ok, although I did eat too much bread.  We had to take Bella to the doctor this afternoon and were there for a while, then had to go the pharmacy to get an antibiotic and it was getting close to 5:30.  So, while we waited for the medicine to be filled, we came home for a quick snack.  Everybody wanted toast, and I ate 3 pieces, that's 270 cal.  Yes, it was whole wheat toast with no butter, but still, too many calories for a snack.  So I think I got in about 1500-1600 cal today.  Not bad, especially considering the hectic day I had.

I really appreciate all the wonderful comments and emails I've been getting from you guys.  It really does make all the difference.  You are pushing me not to give up, or make excuses.  Thanks.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010


I have tea in hand now.  That was a tip that a friend at work gave me.  Thanks, Jillian.  Also, just getting up and doing something eased the urge.

Anyway.  I wanted to say thanks to all of you who are reading this and sending me words of encouragement.  It keep makes me happy and gives me motivation.  I don't know why I don't believe in myself as much as you guys do, but I'm hoping that through this process, that will change.

Today I've been much hungrier.  That's made it much harder not to eat too much.  I've had roughly 1400 calories today--including my tea (I put in a tablespoon of honey). 
Here's my food for today:
Breakfast: cheese grits (250 cal)
Snack: grapes (90 cal)
Lunch: PB&J on wheat bread with gold fish (435 cal)
Snack: Kashi bar (120 cal)
Snack: apple (105 cal)
Dinner: tuna noodle casserole from the Lickety-Split meals cookbook (320 cal)
Evening craving fix: hot green tea with honey (60 cal)

One reason I may have been hungrier, I woke up at 6am (that's super early for me) to workout.  My friend, Stephanie, is coming over on Tuesday and Thursday mornings at 6:30 for us to workout to a DVD together.  We're using Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred.  Boy, that was fun.  Not.  It kicked my tail and I've been exhausted all day long.

But I'm sitting here right now watching the Biggest Loser and it's really motivating me to get at it.  This week the contestants had to "work."  They went to a food bank for 8 hours a day, simulating what it will be like when they go back home.  They could only work out before and after work.  And they are still pulling BIG numbers at the weigh-in.  So it's making me want to step up my game a little bit.  We'll see.  I don't want to push it and fail.  Slow and steady wins the race, right?

The days I don't work out early in the morning, I will be walking.  Either around the neighborhood, at one of the many parks in the Columbia area, or around downtown Columbia (on the days I work).  And I have a plan for rainy days.  I have several workout DVDs of my own, including a Biggest Loser one.  Also, I have a couple of games on the Wii:  Wii Fit and EA Sports Active.  I don't exactly like the Fit, but the Active works me pretty good.  I'm guessing I'll be doing one of those tomorrow and Friday because the forecast is calling for rain.

Time for bed.  I need my rest if I plan to get through tomorrow.

Fighting the Urge to Eat

So, tonight's the first night I just want to eat.  I'm not particularly hungry, but I just want to go in the kitchen and find something to put in my mouth.  That is addiction side of my weight problem.  I don't even know what I want.. just something.  Anything.  I think I'm going to make a cup of hot tea.  I'll be back.

Not letting the devil bring me down

So, Mondays are tough anyway because of getting home so late on Sunday nights.  But yesterday I could just tell that satan is not happy with my new weight loss journey.  Let me break it all down for you.

I get off work around 11:30pm and I get home around midnight.  It usually takes me a good couple of hours to fall asleep.. this week it was 3am before closing my eyes.  Well, Bella decided to wake up before 7am (she usually sleeps until at least 8am, sometimes 9am). 

Well, I was exhausted, with less than 4 hours of sleep.  I got up, made a good breakfast (oatmeal with blueberries and honey) and then started school. 

For my exercise yesterday, I planned to meet my sister at 3pm to walk at a park.  And Ricco got home early, so I was going to be able to leave Bella in her bed for her nap instead of waking her early.  Zoe also decided to stay with her daddy, so it was going to be just Avery and me.  Things were looking good.  Then, it all went downhill.

I didn't really know the best way to get to the park from the new house, so I ended up trying several different routes which ended up taking longer.  If you know me at all, wasting time does NOT make me happy.  Then, Ricco called to inform me that Bella was vomiting.  So I felt like had to turn around, and miss my walk.  But then I decided that Ricco could take care of it just as well as I could, and he told me there was no need to come home.  So I finally made it to the park, after several more wrong turns, and walked for 30 minutes.

On the way home, we made a few stops, including the grocery store to pick up one thing I needed to make dinner.  I just needed a can of cream of mushroom soup and bag of frozen peas, but of course I picked up a few more things.  Then the line was super long.  And to top it all off, when we got back to the van, it wouldn't start.  My van does that from time to time, it just won't start unless you wait for a while.  I thought that maybe I was out of gas, so Avery and I walked to the station across the street, bought a gas container and some gas, and put it in the van.  But still, nothing.  So Ricco packed up the girls and came to get us (Bella was feeling much better at this point).  Everyone was starving, seeing as it was 6:45pm by this point, so we headed to McDonald's.  I was hungry, but not ready to give in to my addiction.  So I got 2 of the grilled snack wraps with the sauce on the side. 

When we got home, I found out that each wrap was 260 calories and 9 fat grams.  That was a lot.. especially for as late as it was, but it was much less than if I had gotten my normal meal: a 10-piece chicken nugget (460 cal, 29 fat grams), hot mustard sauce (60 cal, 2.5 fat grams), sweet & sour sauce (50 cal, 0 fat grams), a large fry (500 cal, 25 fat grams) and a large sprite (310 cal, 0 fat grams).  Wow!  I've never totaled up all that before.  That's 1380 calories, 56.5 fat grams.  So, my choice last night was much better than usual.

So, a tough day, but I made it through.  This time last week, most of those situations would have been enough to stress me out to the point where I would have given up and given in. 
  • Getting no sleep is always an excuse as to why I eat badly.  I'll do better next time, I say.  But I felt like this was next time. 
  • Bella getting sick would have been the perfect excuse not to have to walk, but I found that I really wanted to go and wasn't happy that I may not be able to. 
  • The car breaking down and not getting home in time to make dinner was an easy excuse for me to eat whatever I wanted, but I didn't want to give in.  I wanted to find a better option that I usually choose.
I am convinced that most of these things were the devil -- realizing that I am growing in Christ as I lose weight.  And he was doing all that he could to get me to give up or in.  But I have God on my side, and He is much more powerful than satan.

My food summary for Monday, I got in all my water, didn't have any sugar, ate small meals with snacks in between and made better food choices when presented with a difficult situation.  I also got in my exercise yesterday.  But I didn't do so well on the sleep.  I have to get better with that.  Pray for me in that area please.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Good progress

So, I'm making some good progress.  We had Zoe's birthday party yesterday and I didn't eat anything I shouldn't have eaten -- no cake or ice cream, no sodas, no chips or cheese doodles.  I was so happy and thankful God gave me the strength to resist.  And I didn't even really have to think about it.  I just didn't even want it.  As for getting in my exercise, I didn't go on a walk yesterday, but I was up and active most of the day either cleaning or doing stuff at the party.  So that should count for something.

After the party was a problem area.  We didn't plan for dinner, which is usually my downfall.  So we went to Taco Bell to pick up something.  I did choose something off the Fresco menu -- two chicken ranchero soft tacos.  All together, it was 340 calories and 8 grams of fat.  I don't think was too bad in the long scheme of things.  At least it was a better option than I usually get at Taco Bell.

I also got in all my water.. then some.  I dreank nearly 100 ounces of water yesterday.  And I was still thirsty.  This morning I've already gotten in 24 oz.. and had a really good breakfast.  It was a scrambled omelet, whole wheat English muffins and 4 apple slices.  Sounds naughty, but not really.  The omelet is a recipe out of a spectacular cookbook called Lickety-Split Meals.  I HIGHLY recommend it to anyone.  It's healthier food options that are pretty easy to make.  That's the idea behind the cookbook.  And sprinkled throughout it are ideas and tips and information on how to make other healthy changes in your life.  It's written by Zonya Foco.  She's got lots of neat things on her website, including some of the recipes out of Lickety-Split Meals.  We've tried many of them.. that's pretty much what I will be using to plan our meals from now on.  The Benito Bean dip is great.. for snacks or to put on your favorite Mexican dish.  The oven fries are easy and tasty.. and all of us, even the kids like the broccoli salad.  As for the meals.. our favorites listed on the website are the creamy chicken enchiladas, the crock pot fajitas, kickin' chicken and the tantalizing turkey loaf.  If you check it out, you'll notice all the dinner recipes come complete with what to make for the entire meal to make it well-rounded and healthy.  I love that.  It's a no brainer. :)  Can you tell I'm a fan?

Before I wrap this up, I wanted to share a picture from yesterday's party.  I'm sure it's not new to you, but I really saw how bad my body looks in these pictures.  I truly didn't know that's what I looked like in that outfit.  You can bet I won't be wearing it again anytime soon.  I knew I didn't like the way I looked in pictures, so I didn't let folks take them.  But that should've been my first clue that I needed to change.  If you don't like your picture taken, then something is wrong and you should look to change what you are not happy with.  The good news, when Zoe turns 6.. nearly half of this body will be gone. 

And, on that note, I've also come up with my big reward once I hit my goal of 175 pounds.  I'm going on a tropical vacation: somewhere with lots of sun, white, sandy beaches and clear blue water.  I don't where that will be yet, but there's lots of time to plan it out.  As for who's going with me, at this point I'd like for it to be just Ricco and me.  But who knows, maybe we'll go on a family cruise.  The girls will need to be rewarded, too, once this journey is over.

Now it's time for me to exercise and then I'm off to work.  I'll try to write again tonight, but it will likely be tomorrow since I get home so late.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Time for bed

It was a busy day, but I got through it.  God gave me more energy and motivation than I've had in weeks.  Anyway.  Wanted to check in and give an update before going to sleep.

  • I got in all my water today, plus some.  It's amazing how once your body gets water, it wants more.
  • I walked for 30 minutes this morning while Avery was at tennis.
  • I ate the food I planned to eat, basically.  Grits and half a banana for breakfast, leftover chicken pie for lunch, a handful of almonds and an orange for a snack, but then we ate out for dinner.  We chose Subway, which was a healthier option.  The problem was I didn't choose the wheat bread and I added bacon to my turkey sub.  But there were no chips or soda.  It was a 6 in sub for dinner and a handful of craisins.
  • I had no refined sugar today.. and no sweetener that I can think of.  I was planning to have coffee a few times today, but I never got around to it.
  • I didn't eat for fun, or out of habit, but I did eat the portion of tuna sub that Bella left behind.  I didn't need that.

So, all in all, it was a pretty successful day.  I got lots done around the house in preparation for Zoe's birthday party tomorrow.  And I bought the groceries.  So there's not too much left to do for tomorrow.  Better get to sleep so I'll be able to have enough energy for tomorrow.  I am sleepy.

Up and moving

Good morning.  So, I didn't do so well getting enough sleep last night.  But I've got a lot to do today to get ready for Zoe's birthday party tomorrow.  I'm hoping adrenaline will get me through. 

My weight loss goals for today:
-begin my day with prayer
-drink at least 64 oz of water
-eat 4 small meals.. one every 3-4 hours
-eat no refined sugar
-don't eat for fun, or out of habit, or because I'm stressed
-walk for 30 minutes while Avery's at tennis

I'll check back in later today to let you know how I do.

The first step

So, I've taken the first step to losing half of the woman I am today. 

It all started last week, at my yearly checkup.  My doctor told me I needed to be real with myself when it came to weight loss.. and that I should consider the Lap Band.  I thought about it and was convinced that surgery was the only way I was going to lose weight.  So this past Monday, I went to a weight loss surgery seminar.  I got lots of good information and then checked with my insurance.  They will cover the surgery, but I have to undergo a 6 month doctor assisted weight loss program first.

So that got me motivated to really get this weight off me, without the surgery.  I may have finally found my motivation to get past my addiction -- surgery.  I don't like it.. I know who does.. but I really don't want the surgery.  I don't want to give up on being able to beat my food addiction without the surgery. 

So Ricco and I have decided to give it 2 years.  That's how long they say it will take to lose about 70% of the weight you need to lose after gastric bypass surgery.  If I can lose that much on my own in that time period, then no surgery.  If not, then I'll revisit the surgery idea again.  So, I'm counting down to 2012.  By March of 2012, I need to be down to 220.  I'm hoping to be much less than that by then, but it's time to be realistic. 

I'm not going on some big, new fad diet.  I'm working on changing my entire lifestyle.  And I'm looking at this like I have no other option.  That's the only way I beat my smoking addiction -- I was pregnant and had no choice but to quit.  For food, if I don't beat that addiction then I will have to have surgery.  And that's just something I don't want.

The things I will be working on:
-making sure I don't eat just for fun, or out of habit
-getting up and exercising regularly
-getting on a better sleeping pattern
-waking up earlier to start my day earlier so I can get to everything that I need to get to
-change my eating habits, eat at home more and eat healthier foods
-pray when things get difficult, pray when I want to eat but don't need to, pray when I just can't get up to exercise but need to

I'm starting to make plans on several fronts: a regular exercise schedule (today I took the kids to the park and we walked for 30 minutes before letting them stop to play on the playground), making a meal plan for the week, getting new recipies, going back and reviewing information from a healthy living class I took last week and putting those things into play, I'm looking into going to an OA meeting.  OA stands for overeaters annonymous and is similar other addict recovery programs.

I'm writing this blog about it all.  It's for several reasons.  One, accountability.  Addicts need accountability, although we don't want it.  Two, I want to journal about the process to keep you in on my progress.  Three, I also want to use this as a time for reflection, and therapeutic healing.  And finally, I want to be able to look back and see my own progress.

Let me know what you think about all of this.  Be honest with me.  And please pray for me.  This is going to be an emotional, physically and spiritually exhausting journey.  But one I am very thankful God is allowing me to take.  I don't like who I am right now.. not the way I look or the way I feel about myself.  I am looking forward to being different in the near future.  I want to be the happy, optimistic person I used to be.  I want to be able to be more active and not so dependent on everyone else helping me.  I want to be able to help others.

Enough rambling for tonight.  By the way, this is the second night of not eating after dinner.  That's a HUGE step for me.  I've wanted to, even though I wasn't ever hungry.  But I remembered to pray and ask God for the strength to get past those urges.  That's what this is going to take.. His strength.