Losing "more" than half of me

Losing "more" than half of me
This time it's really going to happen.. I am going to lose half of myself, or should I now say "more than half of myself?"

Thursday, April 29, 2010


I'm making progress.. but we already knew that, didn't we?

I'm talking specifically about controlling my eating when it's just me and the kids at a restaurant.  We went to Fatz Cafe in Lexington last night, while Ricco played a soccer game.  I ordered a plain grilled chicken breast, plain sweet potato and grilled vegetable skewers.

I love Fatz, but it does seem to take a while for the food to come out.  Which I guess is why they bring out those delicious poppyseed rolls to your table so you can munch on them while waiting.  Well, hello, I can't have any.  Technically, I guess one wouldn't kill me, but who can eat just one.  They are basically bite-size rolls that I could easily just keep popping into my mouth.  And I don't even know how many calories is in one, and I don't like eating food that I don't know the calorie count on--or at least have an idea.

Well, guess what?  I didn't eat any of the rolls.  I let the kids eat them all.  Not the easiest thing in the world, especially because I had to pick them up and break them open so they'd cool down enough for Bella to be able to eat. 

So, I made it through the toughest part, right?  Wrong.  When our food came, mine looked delicious!  But so did everyone else's. 

Zoe ordered pasta with cheese sauce, and it comes with yummy garlic bread.  I wanted just to put that in my mouth pronto!  Thankfully, I did not. 

Avery's looked good -- she ordered grilled salmon and steamed veggies.  I was so proud of her!  It would have been ok to try her's, but it was that tempting, so it was easy to restrain. 

But then there was Bella's plate.. sitting right in front of me.  I got the kids Calabash chicken and fries for her because it was all easy finger foods.  That and I thought it was all she'd eat.  Anyway.. I was wrong.  She didn't eat that either.  And man, did those fries look good.  The chicken looked good, too, don't get me wrong.  But it was those fries calling my name.  And again, a bite or two wouldn't have killed me.  But my main problem is I can't just have one or two. 

Thankfully, I made it through the whole meal without eating anything that wasn't on my own plate.  Although, I did eat too much of the sweet potato.  I should've cut it in half as soon as it got to the table, just like I did with my chicken breast.  But all in all, I thought it was a successful evening.

I am now just 2 days away from walking in the Heart and Sole.  I'm very exciting, and nervous about doing it.  Watching the Biggest Loser this week really helped motivate me.  The contestants flew to Dallas to get people in that state to get moving.  They held a 5K and had all sorts of people who were out of shape just show up and do it.  That was pretty inspiring.  I am ready to walk that 3 miles on Saturday.. and I'm very thankful that I can do it.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Pictures and measurements

Here are some pictures taken of me today.  I've still got a long way to go, but I can see a difference in my face.  I just can't wait until I actually have a lap for my kids to sit in.

I also took some measurements today. Maybe I shouldn't share them on here.. but I'm going to anyway. This blog is for me, after all.

Weight: 307 lbs.
Chest: 46 in.
Waist: 55 in.
Hips: 62 in.
Thigh: 27 in.
Arm: 18 in.

It's embarrassing, but it's not like you can't see it by looking at me every day. I pray that seeing these numbers in black and white will motivate me.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

I'm such a loser..

..in a good way!  I lost another 3 pounds this week.  That puts me down a total of 25 pounds.  I'm now at 307.  Just 8 pounds until I hit my first goal: getting under 300.  I really can't believe I've come so far.

I get very emotional when I realize that I'm really doing this.  God is so amazing.  I struggled last week.. finding it much tougher to stay away from food and get up and exercise.  I found myself hoping my workout partner (who comes to do the 30 Day Shred video with me on Tuesdays and Thursdays) would cancel on me or forget to come to my house.  Thankfully she didn't.  And God gave me the strength to make it through.. and lose 3 additional pounds.

I am now looking to next weekend when I walk 3 miles in the Heart and Sole.  I have thought, what's the big deal?  It's just 3 miles.. who can't do 3 miles?  I couldn't.. just a year ago.  And I was ashamed that I couldn't.  I guess that's the big part of me not making a big deal of doing it now.  I hate that I had become so limited by my weight.. I was in complete denial.  I still am, somewhat.  Or at least I haven't yet had my eyes opened to all the things I was overlooking and explaining away.

Time to get back to work now.  Will update you again soon.. at least by next Saturday, when I hope to have lost at least 2 more pounds  I want to at least be able to report that I am getting stronger, physcially, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, everyday.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Embarrassed and Ashamed

I completely fell off the wagon tonight. 

I'd been on the verge.. letting a leg drag and get scratched up, but then pulled myself back up.  Last week I wasn't very diligent with my calorie tracking (because I let my lack of a laptop get in my way) and I didn't walk.  Then Sunday night when I decided to grab a bag of chips that were sitting out on the counter and eat a good many of them when I got off work.  I felt pretty guilty then.. although I was pretty sure I had stayed within my calories for today.

Tonight.. we went to San Jose for dinner.  That's not the problem.. we've been there a couple of other times since I started this journey.  But those times I was with Ricco from the time we walked in the door.. and I didn't eat any of the chips, and got just 1 soft taco.  Tonight was a different story.

The girls and I got to the restaurant several minutes before Ricco.  So it was just me and the 3 girls.. and all those chips with the mild salsa filled to the brim of a large bowl.  Mmmm.. it looked so tasty.. so refreshing.. and after handing a chip to Bella, I thought, I'll just have one.  But I knew better before I put it in my mouth and decided I would have a couple.  Ahh.. the sweet nectar that is the mild salsa at San Jose.  I'm sure it's full of sugar.. or something else naughty.  Anyway.  That combination with the chips was too much for me.  I was hooked.  Before I knew it, the basket of chips was empty.  Sure, Zoe and Avery were helping me eat them, but I'm sure I was shoveling them in my mouth as fast as I could before Ricco got there.

Before we ordered I felt awful.  Not just with guilt, but physically stuffed and miserable.  As I looked over the menu, I knew that I shouldn't eat anything else.  But it would taste so good.. and I was the only one who really knew how many chips I had eaten.  When I did order, I didn't just get a soft taco.. I got an entire meal--Pollo Fundito--grilled chicken with grilled onions and peppers, served with tortillas and rice and beans.  Man!  What was I thinking?!?!?!  I didn't need any of that, but of course once it came out, it smelled divine, and I began to chow down.

Well, each bite I took, I was feeling worse and worse.  My poor stomach!  It was filled past capacity and getting more and more.  What finally broke me was Bella.  She kept fussing and whining and throwing a fit, so I eventually stopped eating and picked her up and took her into the lobby.  She was my distraction, and helped me come to my realization.  At that point, I just wanted to crawl in a hole and hide.  I was so ashamed and embarrassed and disappointed with myself. 

I decided to leave and take Bella home.  Ricco stayed with Zoe and waited to get a doggie bag and pay the check.  Avery was finished eating, so she came home with Bella and me.  All the way home, I was thinking.. and finally thought to pray.  I begged God to forgive me for my gluttony, my selfishness -- most importantly for letting that food be the god I was serving at the moment.  When we pulled into the driveway, I was crying and apologized to Avery.  I told her I was sorry for eating those chips, for being a bad example for her and for letting her down.  She looked at me like I was crazy, but saw the desperation (and tears) in my eyes and told me she forgave me, but she didn't know what else to say.

When Ricco got home, I broke down again and apologized to him.  Again, he didn't know what to say.  He didn't even know or pay attention to the fact that I had gorged myself.  I felt bad that he felt bad, so I came upstairs and decided to write.

This has been the most difficult entry to write so far.  I knew that I would stumble, which is why I wanted to write this blog.  I wanted the accountability from all of the readers.. and I also wanted to be able to look back and see the peaks and valleys I went through to reach my goal.  But I feel so dumb writing this right now.  Mostly because I knew this would happen, yet I still let it happen and I felt so bad about it.  I can't exactly put into words all the feelings I've had tonight, but already I feel forgiven.  That's the most wonderful feeling of all.  And I am ready to leap back on that wagon.. dust myself off.. and keep on trucking.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

I'm still here.. going strong

Life has been so busy and I got out of the habit of blogging. And this week my laptop crashed, so I haven't been checking anything at all.. no email, Facebook or calories. Ugh!

I am now down to 310. I've lost a total of 22 pounds. I didn't lose any this past week, but I'm ok with that. I'm just thrilled I didn't gain anything. As I mentioned, I haven't been keeping track of my calories online this week. So I've just been doing it mentally. That's not usually very effective. Also, I haven't been walking at all this week. I still exercised on Tuesday and Thursday. And I'm planning to get in a workout today before work, and then walk on my dinner break.

I'm a little disappointed with myself. I let my life takeover again this week, instead me taking over my life. Or more accurately.. letting God take over and guide my steps. My morning devotion time is basically non-existent. So I just need to recharge and get back in the saddle again. I'm just thankful that I haven't given up yet.

I will admit, I have been weak in the food area this week. For the first time, I ate regular fast food.. not once, but twice. Tuesday I ate a chicken nuggets kid’s meal, and then Wednesday morning I got a bacon, egg and cheese biscuit. I would like to say that what I chose was better than what I used to choose (in the past I would've gotten an adult chicken nuggets combo and for breakfast it would've been 2 biscuits and a hash brown), but still, I should've chosen other options both times. Or I should've stepped up my workouts to compensate for the extra calories. Still, I am on the right path, and I didn't get fat overnight or learn my poor eating and exercise behaviors in a day, so I have to be gracious with myself. This is a journey. Journeys can be long and tiresome with struggles and obstacles along the way. The most important part is to take the journey and not stop and go back, but complete it.

I will do my best to update more often. I'm going to shoot for once a week at this point. Hopefully it can be more. I've thought about all sorts of things I wanted to write, but never got around to it. I have learned so much, and I continue to learn new things each day. I am so thankful that God is allowing me to do this.. lose weight, learn my body and strengthen it.