Losing "more" than half of me

Losing "more" than half of me
This time it's really going to happen.. I am going to lose half of myself, or should I now say "more than half of myself?"

Saturday, January 8, 2011

I want to eat, but I'm not hungry

Just a quick update.  I'm desperately wanting to eat right now.  But I've already had dinner and I'm not even remotely hungry.  I just want to eat.  I don't know why.  Just the thought of putting some sort of food in my mouth (preferably some sort of bread or fried starch) brings such pleasure and delight to my soul.  YUCK!  That pitiful.  Sad.  Shameful. 

But I thought that writing about the feelings may help them go away.  Or at least help me figure out why I'm feeling this way.  On a positive note, I did make a better choice for dinner on my way to work.  Instead of picking up my favorite chicken strip dinner from Sonic (with tots, gravy and soda) -- I picked up a boneless grilled chicken breast from KFC with mashed potatoes.  And I only ate half of the biscuit.  I just threw the other half out the window.  That was a BIG step for me.

I will do this.  I have to keep telling myself that.  I can accomplish my goal, through Christ who strengthens me.  Despite my setbacks, I have to believe that I can eat properly and exercise.  "We live by faith, not by sight." 2 Corinthians 5:7

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Surgery and sharing my story on TV

Today was a big day for me.  I had a small surgery on my ankle to remove a couple of screws.  I broke my right ankle a little over 4 years ago and had to have surgery to repair it.  I was left with a plate and 2 screws.  Over time the screws have been working their way out -- so it was time to have them removed.  It was pretty easy, just a little twilight drug and a couple of stitches and I was done.  I'm not in any real pain and can walk without crutches.  I can even drive in 24 hours. 

Before I left for the hospital I got to see my story on WIS News 10 Sunrise.  My friend and co-worker, Jillian Capobianco came to my house on Monday to interview me about my weight-loss journey.  Specifically, she was doing a story on people using new social media tools to help them keep their New Year's resolutions, so she highlighted my blog.  My story, called Jemme's Journey, ran on the news this morning and then again tonight. 

My kids got a kick out of seeing themselves on TV.  I was just so thankful to Jillian for making me look good.  I thought she did a beautiful job writing the story.. and I loved how she checked in with a psychologist.  It's nice to know I made a smart move by starting this blog for accountability.

To that end, I did eat pretty bad today.  I started out just fine.. mainly because I couldn't eat.  And I put dinner in the crock-pot before I left for the hospital.. crock-pot fajitas from the Lickety-Split cookbook.  They are really yummy.  But I didn't drink enough water today.  And I did eat some food this afternoon when I wasn't hungry.  I think that's the first hurdle to overcome.  Stop eating for fun.. when I'm not hungry.  Then I can worry about calorie counting and what foods I'm eating.  What do you think?  As for exercise, I'll be able to start walking again soon.. but there's also a machine at the gym that I can do with my arms to be able to get in some cardio.  I know I should, but the thought of it right now makes me angry.  Ugh!  I don't like that.  It's like I'm a little kid throwing a temper tantrum.  Did I already mention that?  Sorry.. I repeat myself sometimes.

Anyway.  Time for bed.  And time for me to chew on this week's verse: 2 Corinthians 5:7 "We live by faith, not by sight."

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Chewing on the Word

I started a new bible study this morning that I think is going to help me break this food addiction.  It's called M&M and it stands for Memorizing and Meditating (of course referring to the Word of God).  We have a verse that we will be studying each week.

At the top of the list of things to do to help you memorize it is: CHEW IT, taste it, savor it, roll it around in your mouth.  Wow.. does that answer prayer for me.  Every time I'm tempted to eat something just for the fun of it or because it tastes good, I can chew on God's word instead.  It seems so simple.. and I really think it can work.

Our first verse is from 2 Corinthians 5:7 (NIV) "For we live by faith, not by sight."  That's exactly what I need to be chewing on right now.  I need to regain the faith in my ability to lose the weight.  And I need to regain my connection with my Father in heaven.  I believe that I can accomplish both of these things through the M&M study.

My good friend Jillian Capobianco is doing a story on me and this blog tomorrow morning on WIS News 10.  It'll be on the Sunrise show sometime between 4:30 and 7:00 am.  Please watch and let me know what you think.

Fighting Urges and Needing to Move

I have to fight this food addiction again.  Let me tell you, it is NO fun!  I want to eat.. eat all the time.. and eat ALL the wrong foods.  I'm craving fried foods and sugar.  And I don't have to be hungry.  Hunger has nothing to do with my eating problems at all.  Food is like a drug to me.  It satisfies something inside my soul.. something it shouldn't.  I need to figure out what that is, so I can replace it with what I'm truly needing, not the food.

I am so LAZY!  I do NOT want to do anything active right now.  I don't get it.  I used to do some sort of exercise every single day.  But now, the thought of just walking makes me angry.  Why angry?  I don't understand that.  It's like I'm a little kid throwing a temper tantrum because I don't want to do what my parents are making me do.  I don't WANT to exercise.  So how did I do it before?  I couldn't have wanted to exercise then, but I did it.  And the way I remember it, it was easy. 

Wait.. wait for it.. if I think a little harder, that's not true.  Seriously.. as I'm writing I'm remembering things that weren't there a second ago.  There were definitely days that I didn't want to do anything.  And there were days that, even though I did do some sort of physical activity, I certainly didn't put forth all my effort. 

Maybe that's what I do again.. start from the beginning, not where I left off.  Work my way up to my potential again.  And maybe that's how I get back to eating better again.

The new season of the Biggest Loser started tonight.  There was one thing on there that hit me that I've been doing.  There's a guy on there who's lost 150 pounds, but still has 300 to go.  So he's overwhelmed and is struggling with his focus.  I think that's where I am.  I've lost basically 50 pounds and have 100 to go.  And that seems nearly impossible to me now.  But why?  Why do I doubt that I can finish this journey?  I was so sure of myself at the beginning of the whole thing last March.  Now I'm not so sure.  I don't know where I got the confidence I could do it.. or how I lost it.

Anyway.  Bob told that guy on the Biggest Loser to only focus on what he had to that day.. not to look any further than that.  So I figure I can do that, too.  So tonight, as I'm writing this, I want to eat.  But I realize that I'm not truly hungry.  And even if I was, I don't need any food.  So I made a good decision for tonight.  Now I'll just need to get through each day, one day at a time.

Please pray for me.  I have a lot to figure out and a lot of soul searching to do.  Writing again is helping.  It's allowing me to see things I haven't taken the time to think about yet.  So that's a blessing. 

BTW: completely unrelated, but I realized that I say the word "so" a lot.  It's annoying to me.  When I write my scripts at work, I make sure not to use the same word twice.  But I apparently do it all the time in my regular speech.  When I'm writing this blog I write as I would talk to any one of you in person.  It's extremely hard not to edit and embellish my vocabulary to make it more interesting to read.  Maybe it'll help me learn new words on my own and expand the vocabulary in my speech.  Just a side note that was bugging me and I wanted to share. :)

Monday, January 3, 2011

New Year, New Challenges

It's been a while.. 6 months to be exact.  But the blog is back.  I have slipped far from my weight loss goals in the last few months, and it's time I get back on track.  The best way to do that is to have accountability through you and this blog.  I don't like that idea.. it makes my skin crawl to think about others making me do what I'm supposed to do.  But that's exactly what I wanted when I started this thing, and I knew it's what I needed.  So here I am.

I'm not sure exactly what the blog will look like now.  I'm not all gung-ho about losing weight and making it to my goal.  I have an attitude about the whole thing that I quickly need to lose before I'll be able to lose anymore weight.  Hopefully, journaling what I'm feeling will allow me to move further along the road to 175.

To that point.. I am currently at 287.  I had lost down to 277, but have gained 10 pounds since Thanksgiving.  That really stinks.  I am pretty ashamed of myself.  Not only that I gained back 10 pounds already, but that I did it so quickly.  I know, it happens to a lot of people during the holidays.  But I should be better than that.

With that said, I do think I've done pretty good so far.  I'm down 45 pounds.  This year I want to lose 62 pounds.  And then next year I'll focus on losing the final 50.  Please hold me to this, even though I don't really want you to.  I am sorry I am so negative right now.  Please pray that I will be able to figure where this attitude is coming from so I can drop it and move forward.  And if you don't hear from me on here in a few days, please ask me about it and get me to post again.