I completely fell off the wagon tonight.
I'd been on the verge.. letting a leg drag and get scratched up, but then pulled myself back up. Last week I wasn't very diligent with my calorie tracking (because I let my lack of a laptop get in my way) and I didn't walk. Then Sunday night when I decided to grab a bag of chips that were sitting out on the counter and eat a good many of them when I got off work. I felt pretty guilty then.. although I was pretty sure I had stayed within my calories for today.
Tonight.. we went to San Jose for dinner. That's not the problem.. we've been there a couple of other times since I started this journey. But those times I was with Ricco from the time we walked in the door.. and I didn't eat any of the chips, and got just 1 soft taco. Tonight was a different story.
The girls and I got to the restaurant several minutes before Ricco. So it was just me and the 3 girls.. and all those chips with the mild salsa filled to the brim of a large bowl. Mmmm.. it looked so tasty.. so refreshing.. and after handing a chip to Bella, I thought, I'll just have one. But I knew better before I put it in my mouth and decided I would have a couple. Ahh.. the sweet nectar that is the mild salsa at San Jose. I'm sure it's full of sugar.. or something else naughty. Anyway. That combination with the chips was too much for me. I was hooked. Before I knew it, the basket of chips was empty. Sure, Zoe and Avery were helping me eat them, but I'm sure I was shoveling them in my mouth as fast as I could before Ricco got there.
Before we ordered I felt awful. Not just with guilt, but physically stuffed and miserable. As I looked over the menu, I knew that I shouldn't eat anything else. But it would taste so good.. and I was the only one who really knew how many chips I had eaten. When I did order, I didn't just get a soft taco.. I got an entire meal--Pollo Fundito--grilled chicken with grilled onions and peppers, served with tortillas and rice and beans. Man! What was I thinking?!?!?! I didn't need any of that, but of course once it came out, it smelled divine, and I began to chow down.
Well, each bite I took, I was feeling worse and worse. My poor stomach! It was filled past capacity and getting more and more. What finally broke me was Bella. She kept fussing and whining and throwing a fit, so I eventually stopped eating and picked her up and took her into the lobby. She was my distraction, and helped me come to my realization. At that point, I just wanted to crawl in a hole and hide. I was so ashamed and embarrassed and disappointed with myself.
I decided to leave and take Bella home. Ricco stayed with Zoe and waited to get a doggie bag and pay the check. Avery was finished eating, so she came home with Bella and me. All the way home, I was thinking.. and finally thought to pray. I begged God to forgive me for my gluttony, my selfishness -- most importantly for letting that food be the god I was serving at the moment. When we pulled into the driveway, I was crying and apologized to Avery. I told her I was sorry for eating those chips, for being a bad example for her and for letting her down. She looked at me like I was crazy, but saw the desperation (and tears) in my eyes and told me she forgave me, but she didn't know what else to say.
When Ricco got home, I broke down again and apologized to him. Again, he didn't know what to say. He didn't even know or pay attention to the fact that I had gorged myself. I felt bad that he felt bad, so I came upstairs and decided to write.
This has been the most difficult entry to write so far. I knew that I would stumble, which is why I wanted to write this blog. I wanted the accountability from all of the readers.. and I also wanted to be able to look back and see the peaks and valleys I went through to reach my goal. But I feel so dumb writing this right now. Mostly because I knew this would happen, yet I still let it happen and I felt so bad about it. I can't exactly put into words all the feelings I've had tonight, but already I feel forgiven. That's the most wonderful feeling of all. And I am ready to leap back on that wagon.. dust myself off.. and keep on trucking.
Losing "more" than half of me
This time it's really going to happen.. I am going to lose half of myself, or should I now say "more than half of myself?"
Hey Jemme! We all have days like that. My weakness is at night when my naturally thin husband decides to eat cereal at 9, I think oh I shouldnt eat that or eat this late. Then the food starts telling me how good it tastes, so I give in and start munching. Then once I start I keep munching until I fall asleep. Its terrible, but it happens! Keep up the hard work, you can and will do this!
ReplyDeleteThat happens to the best of us. For me, it was the "out of season" candy that my wifey had bought dirt cheap after Easter. That and I drank a full sugar (well full corn syrup) Coke last night. Not only did I feel bad, but it tasted so awful that I had to brush my teeth just to get the taste out.
ReplyDeleteWe all do well at first, but slip up. In my opinion, I think a massive fail like this is better for you. It will help you right the ship rather than simply slowly lilting without realizing that you are falling off track.