Losing "more" than half of me

Losing "more" than half of me
This time it's really going to happen.. I am going to lose half of myself, or should I now say "more than half of myself?"

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Ephesians 3:20-21
"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. "
God truly is amazing.  I was able to meet all of my goals yesterday.  I drank more than 64 oz of water.  I went to the gym and walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes (and believe me, it was no easy task getting there-- it takes about an hour to get the four of us ready and in the car).  And I tracked all of my food.  I am thankful for small victories!  I was able to accomplish my goals for Monday.

I'm already on to accomplishing my goals for Tuesday.  I've had half of my water intake, I've exercised and I've logged everything I've eaten so far.

Also on tap for today, I'm tackling Mount Laundry.  It is going down today!  :) 

On a side note, to keep it real, I'm still tired, angry and unmotivated.  While I did meet my goals, I ate some food that I really shouldn't have eaten.  Namely about 2000 calories during the middle of the day from Nutella and bread.  YIKES!  I'm actually admitting that.. to everyone.  You do realize that's more than my calorie needs for the day.  To lose about 2 pounds a week, I'm supposed to eat 1500 calories a day.  I was doing so good, too.  Eating healthy foods, and decent portions.  I have since thrown the jar of Nutella away and won't be buying anymore.

Lord, please forgive my gluttony!  It was selfish and wasteful, because my children could've enjoyed a snack for a couple of days on the food that I inhaled in just moments, just to satisfy my wants and desires.  I am sorry Lord.  I should've turned to you, and I didn't.  I didn't ask for your strength, or assistance in overcoming my temptation.  I love you, God, and thank you for your forgiving love.  I know that when I confess my sins, you wipe them clean.  Your word says: "For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more."  Hebrews 8:12 (NIV84)  Thank you, thank you, thank you!  I praise your holy name!

Wow, didn't know I was going to go there.  Maybe I shouldn't share all of that, but we'll see.  Maybe, once I'm on the other side of this thing, it will help someone else see that even as dark as I was, I was able to make it to the finish line.  Maybe it will give them hope.  And who knows, maybe that someone will be in me, in the future, if I ever get back here again.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Sunday, February 6, 2011

2 Corinthians 4:15-17
"All this if for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.  Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all."

What a beautiful verse full of hope!  I have heard from so many people that my journey and my struggles have encouraged them.. pushed them to do more than they thought they could.  I am thankful to be an inspiration.  I want to be a tool for God to be able to use to sharpen His children.  I want to spread His word and do His bidding.  I am thankful that He is using me for His good and His will.

I made whole wheat waffles for breakfast.  I topped them with sliced bananas, cocoa powder and Stevia.  Pretty decent, although as someone pointed out I should've added some lean protein.  The rest of the day hasn't been so great, nibbling here and there, but dinner should be decent.  I'm planning homemade pizzas on whole wheat pitas.

BTW: on a complete side note, as I write this, Zoe is watching Toy Story 1 for the first time and is REALLY getting into it.  It's precious!  She's so worried about Buzz dying.

I digress.  We are getting ready to go on a walk around the neighborhood, then to the store to get the stuff for dinner.  I'm also going to buy a new water bottle.  I can't seem to find one that's just right for me, but I really need to up my water intake.  I'm down to just about none a day.  Not good.  So my goals for this week are exercising at least 30 minutes for 6 days, drinking at least 64 ounces of water a day, and logging everything I eat.  Whether or not I will share that food log with anyone is still up in the air! :)

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Saturday, February 5, 2011

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18:
"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

I went to the gym this morning. Walked on the treadmill for 25 minutes. Not all that impressive, but an accomplishment none the less. It's the first real workout I've done this year. At least since ankle surgery last month.

I made a new commitment to a friend today. I'm going to exercise 6 days a week, and I will blog everyday. And in my posts I will focus on something positive.

The reason I haven't been writing is because I am in a really dark period of my life and I just can't seem to snap out of it. So why should I keep writing the same thing over and over and over again? I have no motivation, I don't feel like doing what I'm supposed to do to lose weight and be healthy, and I am tired. Those 3 things are recurring phrases that run through my mind, and my speech. If you've had the pleasure of my company the last few months, you know that I haven't been myself. I haven't gotten a lot of sleep, so I think the lack has really built up and caused me to sink into a depression. At least I hope that's what it is, because I've made some changes to my life recently and I should be getting on a more routine sleeping pattern soon.

Today, I am thankful for understanding and supportive family and friends who haven't given up on me, even though I appears that I've given up. And I am thankful for my loving Father in heaven.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

I want to eat, but I'm not hungry

Just a quick update.  I'm desperately wanting to eat right now.  But I've already had dinner and I'm not even remotely hungry.  I just want to eat.  I don't know why.  Just the thought of putting some sort of food in my mouth (preferably some sort of bread or fried starch) brings such pleasure and delight to my soul.  YUCK!  That pitiful.  Sad.  Shameful. 

But I thought that writing about the feelings may help them go away.  Or at least help me figure out why I'm feeling this way.  On a positive note, I did make a better choice for dinner on my way to work.  Instead of picking up my favorite chicken strip dinner from Sonic (with tots, gravy and soda) -- I picked up a boneless grilled chicken breast from KFC with mashed potatoes.  And I only ate half of the biscuit.  I just threw the other half out the window.  That was a BIG step for me.

I will do this.  I have to keep telling myself that.  I can accomplish my goal, through Christ who strengthens me.  Despite my setbacks, I have to believe that I can eat properly and exercise.  "We live by faith, not by sight." 2 Corinthians 5:7

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Surgery and sharing my story on TV

Today was a big day for me.  I had a small surgery on my ankle to remove a couple of screws.  I broke my right ankle a little over 4 years ago and had to have surgery to repair it.  I was left with a plate and 2 screws.  Over time the screws have been working their way out -- so it was time to have them removed.  It was pretty easy, just a little twilight drug and a couple of stitches and I was done.  I'm not in any real pain and can walk without crutches.  I can even drive in 24 hours. 

Before I left for the hospital I got to see my story on WIS News 10 Sunrise.  My friend and co-worker, Jillian Capobianco came to my house on Monday to interview me about my weight-loss journey.  Specifically, she was doing a story on people using new social media tools to help them keep their New Year's resolutions, so she highlighted my blog.  My story, called Jemme's Journey, ran on the news this morning and then again tonight. 

My kids got a kick out of seeing themselves on TV.  I was just so thankful to Jillian for making me look good.  I thought she did a beautiful job writing the story.. and I loved how she checked in with a psychologist.  It's nice to know I made a smart move by starting this blog for accountability.

To that end, I did eat pretty bad today.  I started out just fine.. mainly because I couldn't eat.  And I put dinner in the crock-pot before I left for the hospital.. crock-pot fajitas from the Lickety-Split cookbook.  They are really yummy.  But I didn't drink enough water today.  And I did eat some food this afternoon when I wasn't hungry.  I think that's the first hurdle to overcome.  Stop eating for fun.. when I'm not hungry.  Then I can worry about calorie counting and what foods I'm eating.  What do you think?  As for exercise, I'll be able to start walking again soon.. but there's also a machine at the gym that I can do with my arms to be able to get in some cardio.  I know I should, but the thought of it right now makes me angry.  Ugh!  I don't like that.  It's like I'm a little kid throwing a temper tantrum.  Did I already mention that?  Sorry.. I repeat myself sometimes.

Anyway.  Time for bed.  And time for me to chew on this week's verse: 2 Corinthians 5:7 "We live by faith, not by sight."

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Chewing on the Word

I started a new bible study this morning that I think is going to help me break this food addiction.  It's called M&M and it stands for Memorizing and Meditating (of course referring to the Word of God).  We have a verse that we will be studying each week.

At the top of the list of things to do to help you memorize it is: CHEW IT, taste it, savor it, roll it around in your mouth.  Wow.. does that answer prayer for me.  Every time I'm tempted to eat something just for the fun of it or because it tastes good, I can chew on God's word instead.  It seems so simple.. and I really think it can work.

Our first verse is from 2 Corinthians 5:7 (NIV) "For we live by faith, not by sight."  That's exactly what I need to be chewing on right now.  I need to regain the faith in my ability to lose the weight.  And I need to regain my connection with my Father in heaven.  I believe that I can accomplish both of these things through the M&M study.

My good friend Jillian Capobianco is doing a story on me and this blog tomorrow morning on WIS News 10.  It'll be on the Sunrise show sometime between 4:30 and 7:00 am.  Please watch and let me know what you think.

Fighting Urges and Needing to Move

I have to fight this food addiction again.  Let me tell you, it is NO fun!  I want to eat.. eat all the time.. and eat ALL the wrong foods.  I'm craving fried foods and sugar.  And I don't have to be hungry.  Hunger has nothing to do with my eating problems at all.  Food is like a drug to me.  It satisfies something inside my soul.. something it shouldn't.  I need to figure out what that is, so I can replace it with what I'm truly needing, not the food.

I am so LAZY!  I do NOT want to do anything active right now.  I don't get it.  I used to do some sort of exercise every single day.  But now, the thought of just walking makes me angry.  Why angry?  I don't understand that.  It's like I'm a little kid throwing a temper tantrum because I don't want to do what my parents are making me do.  I don't WANT to exercise.  So how did I do it before?  I couldn't have wanted to exercise then, but I did it.  And the way I remember it, it was easy. 

Wait.. wait for it.. if I think a little harder, that's not true.  Seriously.. as I'm writing I'm remembering things that weren't there a second ago.  There were definitely days that I didn't want to do anything.  And there were days that, even though I did do some sort of physical activity, I certainly didn't put forth all my effort. 

Maybe that's what I do again.. start from the beginning, not where I left off.  Work my way up to my potential again.  And maybe that's how I get back to eating better again.

The new season of the Biggest Loser started tonight.  There was one thing on there that hit me that I've been doing.  There's a guy on there who's lost 150 pounds, but still has 300 to go.  So he's overwhelmed and is struggling with his focus.  I think that's where I am.  I've lost basically 50 pounds and have 100 to go.  And that seems nearly impossible to me now.  But why?  Why do I doubt that I can finish this journey?  I was so sure of myself at the beginning of the whole thing last March.  Now I'm not so sure.  I don't know where I got the confidence I could do it.. or how I lost it.

Anyway.  Bob told that guy on the Biggest Loser to only focus on what he had to that day.. not to look any further than that.  So I figure I can do that, too.  So tonight, as I'm writing this, I want to eat.  But I realize that I'm not truly hungry.  And even if I was, I don't need any food.  So I made a good decision for tonight.  Now I'll just need to get through each day, one day at a time.

Please pray for me.  I have a lot to figure out and a lot of soul searching to do.  Writing again is helping.  It's allowing me to see things I haven't taken the time to think about yet.  So that's a blessing. 

BTW: completely unrelated, but I realized that I say the word "so" a lot.  It's annoying to me.  When I write my scripts at work, I make sure not to use the same word twice.  But I apparently do it all the time in my regular speech.  When I'm writing this blog I write as I would talk to any one of you in person.  It's extremely hard not to edit and embellish my vocabulary to make it more interesting to read.  Maybe it'll help me learn new words on my own and expand the vocabulary in my speech.  Just a side note that was bugging me and I wanted to share. :)

Monday, January 3, 2011

New Year, New Challenges

It's been a while.. 6 months to be exact.  But the blog is back.  I have slipped far from my weight loss goals in the last few months, and it's time I get back on track.  The best way to do that is to have accountability through you and this blog.  I don't like that idea.. it makes my skin crawl to think about others making me do what I'm supposed to do.  But that's exactly what I wanted when I started this thing, and I knew it's what I needed.  So here I am.

I'm not sure exactly what the blog will look like now.  I'm not all gung-ho about losing weight and making it to my goal.  I have an attitude about the whole thing that I quickly need to lose before I'll be able to lose anymore weight.  Hopefully, journaling what I'm feeling will allow me to move further along the road to 175.

To that point.. I am currently at 287.  I had lost down to 277, but have gained 10 pounds since Thanksgiving.  That really stinks.  I am pretty ashamed of myself.  Not only that I gained back 10 pounds already, but that I did it so quickly.  I know, it happens to a lot of people during the holidays.  But I should be better than that.

With that said, I do think I've done pretty good so far.  I'm down 45 pounds.  This year I want to lose 62 pounds.  And then next year I'll focus on losing the final 50.  Please hold me to this, even though I don't really want you to.  I am sorry I am so negative right now.  Please pray that I will be able to figure where this attitude is coming from so I can drop it and move forward.  And if you don't hear from me on here in a few days, please ask me about it and get me to post again.