I had to change that picture of me at the top of the page. I couldn't stand to look at the girl who was up there. I know I may not look much different yet, physically, but I am a lot different mentally and emotionally. Don't get me wrong, I have a LONG way to go on all 3 counts, but that girl who was up there was so sad and embarrassed to be there, sitting in that chair.. or even to be alive. She just felt like a waste of space. She always sat around with her hands on her belly, because what else could she do with them? She pretended like everything was ok, that she wasn't dying inside, and she allows plastered that fake smile on her face, when really, she was hurting. She didn't want to be around anyone. She didn't want to waste space that someone else could be using. Because of course, she was wasting space. She couldn't do anything of any use to anyone. Mostly, people had to help her. That made her skin crawl!
I still need a lot of help, and there are still lots of things I can't do. But I feel so much more accomplished because I'm working to get to the point where I am self-sufficient again.. where I can help other people, instead of them always helping me. I'm starting to have a small twinge of love for myself.. a love that God so wants for me, because I am, after all, His child. I know I shouldn't think so poorly about His other children, so why is it ok for me to harbor such awful, hateful feelings about myself?
I was telling the girls at work the other day about how I am prejudiced against fat people. How I think they are disgusting, helpless, gross, lazy, pathetic. But that's not exactly true. I don't see other people who are overweight and think those thoughts. I only think those things about me. And see, there, I used the word "overweight" when referring to someone's weight problems, but for me I'm always the "fat" girl. So, I'm taking that word out of my vocabulary. I'm no longer the "fat" girl; I'm the girl struggling with excess weight. I don't shop in the "fat" people store; I shop at the store for plus-sized people.
I guess I always thought using the word fat was me just being honest with myself, but it was me tearing myself down, over and over and over again. I don't want to do that anymore, because that didn't help. So maybe talking positively about myself will help. We will see.
I still have that "beginning" picture of me.. just look to the right. I don't need to forget about her, because I don't want to let myself go there again.
My verse for today comes from Psalms:
"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."
-Psalms 139:14
Losing "more" than half of me
This time it's really going to happen.. I am going to lose half of myself, or should I now say "more than half of myself?"
Jemme, I love the new picture because she is happy and has a glow about her. I have always love you no matter what your size you wear. You have a beautiful heart and soul. I am glad that your spirit is lifted. By the way, you can tell the difference in your face.
ReplyDeleteLesley
Being positive is always best - especially about yourself! Give those beautiful girls of yours a big hug from me. Keep up the good work - you can do it! Love you, Aunt Sarah
ReplyDeleteJemme,
ReplyDeleteWhat we speak to ourselves is often the most powerful force in our lives. If you are constantly berating yourself or saying negative things about yourself, you eventually begin to exhibit those thoughts or believe them to be true! You are an amazing woman. You are strong, you are capable and you are beautiful. Your weight is just a thing...it does not make you who you are. As you continue to lose weight, you will continue to see that your confidence will perk up, you will start to believe the positive things that we who know you all believe and you will hopefully know what we all know, that you are beautiful and treasured!!! And you absolutely need to get rid of the negative thinking...from now on, don't allow it! Look how far you have come...you are well on your way and you are awesome!!! May God continue to bless you on this journey...it is really a journey of self-discovery and I hope you discover what we all know already about you!!! Let's chat soon or get together for a walk :)
Blessings,
Melissa
Jemme I am so proud of you! You are an incredible woman inside & out. I hope that this whole process helps you firmly believe that about yourself. I had so much fun working w/you at WIS & will be checking out your blog to see your progress. We should take a walk down at the Riverwalk sometime....
ReplyDelete