Fighting Urges and Needing to Move

I have to fight this food addiction again.  Let me tell you, it is NO fun!  I want to eat.. eat all the time.. and eat ALL the wrong foods.  I'm craving fried foods and sugar.  And I don't have to be hungry.  Hunger has nothing to do with my eating problems at all.  Food is like a drug to me.  It satisfies something inside my soul.. something it shouldn't.  I need to figure out what that is, so I can replace it with what I'm truly needing, not the food.

I am so LAZY!  I do NOT want to do anything active right now.  I don't get it.  I used to do some sort of exercise every single day.  But now, the thought of just walking makes me angry.  Why angry?  I don't understand that.  It's like I'm a little kid throwing a temper tantrum because I don't want to do what my parents are making me do.  I don't WANT to exercise.  So how did I do it before?  I couldn't have wanted to exercise then, but I did it.  And the way I remember it, it was easy. 

Wait.. wait for it.. if I think a little harder, that's not true.  Seriously.. as I'm writing I'm remembering things that weren't there a second ago.  There were definitely days that I didn't want to do anything.  And there were days that, even though I did do some sort of physical activity, I certainly didn't put forth all my effort. 

Maybe that's what I do again.. start from the beginning, not where I left off.  Work my way up to my potential again.  And maybe that's how I get back to eating better again.

The new season of the Biggest Loser started tonight.  There was one thing on there that hit me that I've been doing.  There's a guy on there who's lost 150 pounds, but still has 300 to go.  So he's overwhelmed and is struggling with his focus.  I think that's where I am.  I've lost basically 50 pounds and have 100 to go.  And that seems nearly impossible to me now.  But why?  Why do I doubt that I can finish this journey?  I was so sure of myself at the beginning of the whole thing last March.  Now I'm not so sure.  I don't know where I got the confidence I could do it.. or how I lost it.

Anyway.  Bob told that guy on the Biggest Loser to only focus on what he had to that day.. not to look any further than that.  So I figure I can do that, too.  So tonight, as I'm writing this, I want to eat.  But I realize that I'm not truly hungry.  And even if I was, I don't need any food.  So I made a good decision for tonight.  Now I'll just need to get through each day, one day at a time.

Please pray for me.  I have a lot to figure out and a lot of soul searching to do.  Writing again is helping.  It's allowing me to see things I haven't taken the time to think about yet.  So that's a blessing. 

BTW: completely unrelated, but I realized that I say the word "so" a lot.  It's annoying to me.  When I write my scripts at work, I make sure not to use the same word twice.  But I apparently do it all the time in my regular speech.  When I'm writing this blog I write as I would talk to any one of you in person.  It's extremely hard not to edit and embellish my vocabulary to make it more interesting to read.  Maybe it'll help me learn new words on my own and expand the vocabulary in my speech.  Just a side note that was bugging me and I wanted to share. :)