New picture

I had to change that picture of me at the top of the page.  I couldn't stand to look at the girl who was up there.  I know I may not look much different yet, physically, but I am a lot different mentally and emotionally.  Don't get me wrong, I have a LONG way to go on all 3 counts, but that girl who was up there was so sad and embarrassed to be there, sitting in that chair.. or even to be alive.  She just felt like a waste of space.  She always sat around with her hands on her belly, because what else could she do with them?  She pretended like everything was ok, that she wasn't dying inside, and she allows plastered that fake smile on her face, when really, she was hurting.  She didn't want to be around anyone.  She didn't want to waste space that someone else could be using.  Because of course, she was wasting space.  She couldn't do anything of any use to anyone.  Mostly, people had to help her.  That made her skin crawl!

I still need a lot of help, and there are still lots of things I can't do.  But I feel so much more accomplished because I'm working to get to the point where I am self-sufficient again.. where I can help other people, instead of them always helping me.  I'm starting to have a small twinge of love for myself.. a love that God so wants for me, because I am, after all, His child.  I know I shouldn't think so poorly about His other children, so why is it ok for me to harbor such awful, hateful feelings about myself?

I was telling the girls at work the other day about how I am prejudiced against fat people.  How I think they are disgusting, helpless, gross, lazy, pathetic.  But that's not exactly true.  I don't see other people who are overweight and think those thoughts.  I only think those things about me.  And see, there, I used the word "overweight" when referring to someone's weight problems, but for me I'm always the "fat" girl.  So, I'm taking that word out of my vocabulary.  I'm no longer the "fat" girl; I'm the girl struggling with excess weight.  I don't shop in the "fat" people store; I shop at the store for plus-sized people.

I guess I always thought using the word fat was me just being honest with myself, but it was me tearing myself down, over and over and over again.  I don't want to do that anymore, because that didn't help.  So maybe talking positively about myself will help.  We will see.

I still have that "beginning" picture of me.. just look to the right.  I don't need to forget about her, because I don't want to let myself go there again.

My verse for today comes from Psalms:
"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."
-Psalms 139:14

I made it to my first goal!

Just wanted to give a quick update. I made it to my first goal! This morning I weighed in and the scale said 298! I can't tell you how good it feels, and how awkward it looks to NOT have a 3 in front of my weight. I believe the last time I was less than 300 pounds was before I moved to Columbia. That was in June of 2004 and I was well over 300 at that point. I know that I was 290 when I had Avery in July of 2000, and eventually lost back down to 250 after I had gallbladder surgery later that year, but I don't have a good recollection of the numbers after that.

I am now down a total of 34 pounds, and I look forward to never having a 3 at the beginning of my weight again.  Now Angie and I get to plan our overnight getaway.  It's going to be so much fun!  Where should we go?  I don't think it will really matter, as long as there are no kids, no husbands and just lots and lots of girl talk!  But the one thing there won't be a lot of: eating.  We'll have to find something fun and active to do.  I know: shopping!  At least window shopping.

And on that note.. some of my clothes are starting to look to big on me.  That's really exciting.. and scary at the same time.  I know it's a good thing to be losing weight, but it's also going to be expensive replacing those clothes.  Thankfully, my oldest sister, Lisa, is also shrinking in size, and she has graciously said I can have her clothes that are too big.  But those are a couple of sizes away.  So I'll have to buy some clothes in between.  But the more I think about it, I shouldn't worry.  God has provided a way for me to lose the weight; He will also provide a way for me to have clothes.  Doesn't He say in His word:

28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?'  (Matthew 6:28-31, NIV)

Wow, how powerful!  And how foolish I was thinking.  Thank you, God, for reminding me of this while writing today's entry.

Heart and Sole -- in under an hour!

A good friend reminded me yesterday that I haven't updated my blog in a while.. and let everyone know about the Heart and Sole.  It was last Saturday and was an awesome experience!  I met up with my friend Amanda before the walk for a good hearty breakfast at IHOP.  Of course, we ordered from the "Under 600 calories" section on the back.  YUMMY!

We made our way to the start line for the walk about 10 minutes before 8:00, and it was packed!  All those people up so early already.  Man.  I'm just not a morning person.  I was doing good to be up and moving.  Anyway.  I talked to all the WIS people I saw there, including my good friend Susan-Elizabeth Littlefield, and met a few new friends along the way.. including Alison.  She was so awesome pushing me throughout the morning.

Before we took off, there were some speeches, Hannah Horne did a beautiful job with the "National Anthem" and Judi Gatson lead us in a cheer.  And I can't forget my good friend Dawndy Mercer who got me to the Heart and Sole in the first place.  She was kind enough to hold my keys while I walked.  Also, I talked to Jack Kuenzie who asked what time I thought I'd finish.  To be honest with you, I hadn't really thought about it that much.  I did calculate up that I usually takes me about 22-24 minutes to walk a mile.  (And that's down from the 30 minutes it took me the first week to walk .9 miles.)  I was going to be doing the 3 mile walk and added it all up and thought it'd take me about 1:30 to finish.  That coupled with the fact that it took me about 1:45 to walk across the Lake Murray dam and back when I did that several weeks back.  That was something like 3.4 miles.  I knew that I was faster now, so that's why I settled on finishing in an hour and a half, although I think I told Jack 1:20.

We stepped off at 8:35.  I was walking with Amanda and Alison, and I decided I wanted to follow the pace walker who was going to do 17 minute miles.  I didn't know there'd be pacers, this being my first walk and all, so I thought trying to keep up with her would be a good goal.  Amanda and Alison were game, which I really appreciated because I'm sure both of them could've done much more.

I made it the first mile.  I hit that first mile marker right at the same time as the pacer.  Then, it's like she sped up or I slowed down.  Whichever it was, she was now ahead of me, and I knew that I wouldn't catch up.  But I could still see here, so that meant I couldn't be that far behind.  As that mile went on, my feet started to burn.  I realized later it was because we were going downhill and they were literally burning from the friction of staying upright.

I rounded mile 2 at 38 minutes and some odd seconds (I know that one day the seconds will matter to me, but not just yet).  That was just 4 minutes behind the 17 min/mile pacer.  I was pretty pleased with that.  Although I felt like I was really holding Amanda and Alison back.  I was REALLY tired at this point.  I had never gone this far this fast before (at least during my current weight loss journey), and now we were starting to go back uphill.  It wasn't anything much, but a steady incline for a LONG while.  We were heading up Gervais Street, from Gadsden Street to Assembly Street.  Ok, now that I look at it on a map, it doesn't look that long, but it sure felt like a LONG way.  And if you've ever walked up Gervais Street, you know about the relentless incline.  Anyway.  Before we'd gone a block, I wanted to slow down.. and I told Amanda and Alison, but they were wonderful.  They knew that I didn't really want to slow down, so I decided I could at least push until we got to Assembly Street once it leveled out.  Once we got there, I felt like I could keep pushing.  I got discouraged because I could no longer see the 17 min/mile pacer, but once we rounded a corner, I saw that she was right there.  I couldn't have been that far behind.  So that motivated me to pick up the pace.  I also decided to look at my clock and realized it was only about 10 minutes to being an hour from the start time.  That's when I decided I wanted to finish in under an hour.  I couldn't have been that far from the finish line, and there were over 10 minutes left.  So we picked up the pace and started passing people, instead people passing me.

Then we got to the point where I could see the finish line.  And it just so happened that there was a very steep hill to go down (the finish line was on Taylor Street in front of Finlay Park in Columbia).  I couldn't see the clock very well, but I could see that it was 50-something minutes.  I didn't know if it was 55 or 58, and then Amanda said it was 58.  Going down that hill was murder on my knees and my feet!  It was all I could do to not run.  Then I thought, "Why not run?!"  It would be easier on the knees and feet, and I may actually make it in under an hour.  So I just picked up the pace.  Wow!  It was easier.  And I was going so fast (at least it felt that way -- and I'm guessing it had something to do with gravity and my large size going down a hill).  Then I saw Dawndy on the side cheering in the runners/walkers, and she was shocked!  She was so excited for me and my time and the fact that I was running.  I was going to make it!  The clock was 59:30.  Then, right before the finish, the dang hill disappeared and we were on flat ground.  I WASN'T going to make it.  AHHH!  I'm sure it was only a few steps that I had to push myself to keep running while on flat ground, but man it felt like forever.  I was SO wanting that hill back.

But I did make it!  I didn't see the exact time, but I know I finished before the clock rolled over to 1:00:00.  I felt so exhilarated!  So accomplished!  So tired!  So sore!  So humbled!  So thankful!  I don't think I could've done it without Amanda and Alison by my side.  Poor Alison, I just met her that morning and most of the conversation during the walk was about me and my weight loss journey.  And she was so amazing and supportive, even though we'd just met.  What a neat lady!  And Amanda is great.  She works with me at WIS on the weekends and walks with me on Saturdays and Sundays, so she already knows how obsessed I am with losing weight and she chose to walk with me that morning.  I am so thankful to have her as a friend!

The one thing I didn't do was take pictures.  I know, I know.  What was I thinking?  Thankfully, there were photographers at the finish line, so I do have those pictures I can order.  Once I get them in, I'll post them here.  But they aren't pretty.  I look DREADFUL!  It's pretty gross.  But next year, when I walk 5 miles, I will cross that finish line looking so much better.  At least I won't be as heavy.  I can't say that I won't still look like I'm about to keel over.